A FEW WORDS ABOUT FIRST DATES

As promised, I will now be providing, for your very own edification, an answer to a question...because that's totally why I am here.

The question reads as follows: What are some good meeting-up places [for a first date]? 

Ah, yes, a first date question. Funny thing: I saw recently not one, but TWO standup routines that included bits about first dates, specifically coffee dates. One was by Chelsea Handler, and one was by some Other Dude.

I forget what Chelsea Handler had to say about the issue, which is too bad, because she is boning 50 Cent these days, so she must be doing something...right? Wrong? Who are we to judge? 

The Other Dude had a decent point. Basically, his bit had to do with the fact that coffee can have an adverse effect on one's...attractiveness. It makes your breath bad, it makes you jittery, and potentially gassy to boot. the easy remedy to this is to not drink it. Many COFFEE DRINKING ESTABLISHMENTS are in fact rather deceptively named in that they also serve non coffee beverages. They sometimes serve things that are not beverages at all- i.e pastries, bagels, napkins, etc. If worse comes to worst, one can always stack creamers on top of each other.   

All of this brings us to my point which is that the obvious answer is to GO TO A COFFEE DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT. The stand-ups were making fun of coffee dates for a reason, which is that coffee houses are tailor made for first dates.

This is for the following reasons:

1) They are public. This is common sense health and safety stuff, particularly in the age of the internet, where so many dates are essentially blind. Public places are simply way less rape-y than non public places. 

2) They are neutral. The quality of a relationship is predicated on a healthy balance of power, and although very few (if any) relationships can actually boast a perfect power equilibrium, on a first date it's definitely best to keep things on as even a keel as possible.

3) The exits are clearly marked. This is true, not only in a literal, physical sense, but in a temporal one. The amount of time it takes to drink a cup of coffee is both finite...and manipulable. So, date goes well, you nurse the coffee, maybe even order a second cup (provided you are willing to risk the aforementioned jitters etc.) and things can take longer. If things aren’t working out, you can always drink faster.

It’s also worth noting that all of the reasons stated above make Coffee places ideal for meetings with ex girlfriends and people you went to high school with.

A slightly more interesting alternative to the Coffee imbibement palace might be a Breakfast date. I am a proponent of breakfast dates for much the same reason I advocate for Coffee Emporiums- no pressure, low risk of being murdered. Everybody wins.

Honestly, unless you really have a bead on the person you are arranging the first date with, it’s best to avoid anything too self consciously romantic or precious. That kind of thing sort of works on TV, and it might even help you kindle a puppy love style romance with the person, but in the long run, I think it’s best to keep things basic.

BONUS QUESTION/PIECE OF ADVICE: It is acceptable to fuck on the first date if and only if your date ends before 1PM. The way I see it, if you can have sex with a relative stranger at 10 in the morning, you are either both so hopelessly attracted to each other or so irredeemably horny that you might as well go for it.