BLUE MONDAY, Part Two.

BLUE MONDAY #2: Back to the Dirty Stuff.

Why, hello there, web voyager. I see your voyages on the Web have led you (again?) to SEX WITH ME IS RAD. Well, this is just great! I hope you brought your adult pants today, because it is, once again- BLUE MONDAY, where we talk about the seamy seamy underbelly of the human psyche.

Today’s topic : Trends in Modern Pornography. Or, more accurately, perceived trends.

Perceived trends? Yes. These are perceived trends we are talking about, because if I were to talk about, like, things that are, like, empirically measurable; then I’d be, like, a journalist or a statistician or summat, and believe me…you wouldn’t like me when I’m “journalistic,” or “statistical…” much less would you cultivate that passing interest in making out with me that I so dearly wish for you to cultivate…

Oh…did I type that aloud…? 

So, the question today is essentially: what’s with the sudden ubiquity of violence in today’s porno? Biting, spanking, pulling hair, BDSM &c seems to be all over the free sites these days…and…do people get off to that stuff?

OK. Well, the easy way to address this one is to get all Jungian- just look at the news today- more strife, revolution, tsunamis, labor unrest and crappier than usual politicians than you can shake a Kindle at. IT’S CHAOS! The collective unconscious is stressing and straining and doing hot yoga like it’s auditioning for some kinda spiritual P90X instructional video. Everyone is ill at ease… and with good reason. So, it follows that all of this tension filters into the bedroom, ball gag and restraints in hand.

Let’s hope it has a good safe word- Three of my favorites are “Pineapple,” “Lufthansa,” and “Paul LePage.”

Boy, did I I ever just make that joke. I made that joke, I did.  

But although I think this answer holds some water, it seems a little bit simplistic and somehow too melodramatic to tell the whole story here. I’m more inclined to explain this perceived phenomenon in terms of law of averages.

I’ve heard the aforementioned statistically minded, non-interesting to think about making out with types of the world say that the amount of information available in this “information age” can be calculated to be somewhere between “an assload” and “a SUPER ASSLOAD.”

IT’S A FACT.

And since people are essentially a slobbering mass of damn dirty pervbots, it follows that about two thirds of this SUPER ASSLOAD will be sexual in nature. 

And the greater the demand for sexual web content becomes, the more, ahem, diverse the market will become. Hence, more of the rough stuff than ever before.

BOO YEAH.

Oh, who has two thumbs and just combined armchair psychoanalysis with armchair economics? THIS GUY!

Because maybe it is all that simple. Heck, just give me a perm and call me “The Malcolm Gladwell of Sexual Advisement.”

So, cheers, dear reader of SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that is every bit as much into having sex as it is into making love…” and may I take this opportunity to say that all of that device bondage you’ve been up lately to has left you with a most flattering rosy tone to your already mystifyingly youthful complexion? Seriously, you’ll never need to use rouge again!

  

         

Listen, the Snow is Falling...

The Listening Game…

Hello and Merry Friday from the wee modest Hamlet located in the corner of the vasty plains of Internet Country commonly known as SEX WITH ME IS RAD!

As you probably know, I have just arrived home from a daunting trek across the human psyche as we explored the hills and dales of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS, hereafter to be referred to as the LTRMP. And when I embarked on that journey from the easternmost morass of stagnant monogamy to the shining sea of largely comfortable singletude, I knew that there would be “side quests” to engage in- you know, quirky masks to collect, cuckoos to chase around the barnyard, horse races, etc.

And, for the most part, I was right. I found that, as I worked on dissecting and delineating the various stages and pitfalls and semantic weirdness of the process, I had a lot to think about. But, by the same token, I didn’t find myself with this mile long list of sidebars and digressions that I thought I would wind up with.

So, I will address the only major question that came to me, both via the comments page and otherwise.

Essentially, that question pertains to the fine art of Listening. Well…

Listening is indeed a fine art, and a fine art that I hold near and dear. I would even go so far as to say that the degree to which I like any given person is positively correlated to their ability to listen.

Some people are natural listeners. Interestingly enough, in this compulsively chatty society, those people often have a hard time in life- they are, at best, labeled “introverts,” and at worst, they can come across as aloof and judgmental.

Likewise, a lot of people are inherently poor listeners- these are the people who talk too much, and only pause to create the illusion they are listening to others, while in fact they are simply waiting for their turn to talk. When people ask me how I feel about these types, (and I’m feeling diplomatic), I usually say “He was very interested in what he had to say,” or “That girl thinks very highly of herself.”

Obviously, since I value the ability to listen so highly, I tend to sympathize with the former group more than I do the latter. But I also think that both types need to interact, everyone has the capacity to become a better listener, and that this is something that comes through effort and practice.

Let’s say you are in a hypothetical fight in the middle of a hypothetical relationship-you’re not having “The Fight,” per se, but emotions are running pretty high.

And the more emotions come into play, the less inclined to listening either party involved in our little tiff is going to be. Yiiikes.

The biggest trick is to remain as level headed and objective as possible. And everyone has their own preferred methods of doing that. I find that a really good way of doing this is learning to recognize when you are yelling.

This is much, much harder than it seems. Most people are dangerously unaware of the tone of their own voice and how it affects other people. 

So- some time when you are talking at a normal volume with your normal inflection, just take a mental note. This is your baseline level of volume and emotionality, and anyone who knows you can likely confirm this for you.

Anything louder or more upset sounding qualifies as “upset” and anything less is “flat.”

Just being aware of this and keeping constant tabs on it should make the task of listening to that other person yelling at you considerably less difficult, if for no other reason than it focuses any excess energy you may have on maintaining your “cool” rather than expending it on yelling out a bunch of stuff you either don’t mean or you have already said a million times before…or something you don’t mean AND have said a million times before- because that’s the kind of thing that will guarantee you not being listened to by the other party. It’s not easy but it will become easier the more you practice it. Promise.

There are, of course, other variables to discuss, because, as per usual, THESE ARE COMPLEX MATTERS!!! But I think this particular exercise in self awareness is absolutely indispensable in acquiring the ability to listen to others.

So, Congratulations- You are well on your way to becoming a FINE ARTIST! Let me know if you need someone to write that grant for you…’cause I can do that, too, you know. At a price, of course…

But, while you hone your skills and check your bank account balance, I shall wish you, passionate, yet uncannily considerate, friend a fond sort of farewell from the hinterlands of the ‘Net, where dwellest ,I the mostly sage advice-giver of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- “The Love Blog that Loves You to Love it!”       

        

     

CLOSURE...?

CLOSURE…?

yes. closure.

OK. Deep breath. Deep breath. I know. The past few weeks over at SEX WITH ME IS RAD have been more like SEX WITH ME WHILE CAMPING IS RAD. Which is to say-

“FUCKING IN TENTS.”

Ah cha cha. Anyway, I’ve done all I can over the past four entries to distill the essence of the end phases of the North American LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. And I feel totally one hundred percent OK about it, though I’ve obviously only scratched the surface of the surface of something that is as nuanced as a fine wine in a Truffaut film about a game of chess. Or something like that.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been reliving every breakup I’ve ever had for the past two weeks. Which has been gratifying… in the same way I imagine you weird Neti Pot people find shooting saline solution up into your sinuses three times a day to be gratifying.    

So, what I shall do today is review the bidding, speak briefly about the final phase of the process, take another deep breath, and bid you, dewy and doe eyed, a good night until Friday.

THE LTRMP IN SUMMATION:

STEP ONE- THE PRE-BREAKUP: Where the sex stops happening, the kisses get cousinly, and things seem oddly mechanical in general.

STEP TWO- THE FIGHT: Where stuff gets thrown, words get yelled and frozen yogurt becomes even more un-appetizing than it was before. This is ostensibly where it “ends,” or at least where the party line becomes “yeah, it’s officially OVER.”

STEP THREE- “GOOD FRIENDS:” Where things seem to have gone back to normal, often to the point where one wonders if our daring pair have actually truly called it quits…

STEP FOUR- REMOVAL: Where all parties are reminded that, yes, it is truly over. One or both ex partners finds someone new, everyone feels weird and resentful, and the two are truly separate physically and emotionally…

And… [one last pregnant pause here, just for effect]…And…

And I hear you asking out there in the wide world of the web (and beyond!) “What comes next, Alex?” And there’s this little edge in your voice that seems to indicate curiosity…supplication, even…or is that petulance? ARE YOU MOCKING ME???!

Oh wait. I don’t care either way, really. Or perhaps, I just care SO MUCH BOTH WAYS, that I effectively don’t care either way.

Either way. The last step of the LTRMP is called CLOSURE.

And its permutations are more complex and varied than those of any of its forbears. Really, the important thing with the CLOSURE phase is that it be civil, and appropriate.

You don’t need to be best friends with your exes- in fact, given the long and in many ways painful history you have with each other, it’s usually for the best that you aren’t. But, by the same token, you should be able to see this person in any manner of public setting, in any sort of company without feeling particularly compelled to:

A)     Hide.

B)      Throw a drink in their face, or their boyfriend/husband/first born child’s face.

C)      Go home and have inebriated, sublime, guilt soaked sex with them.

You should also feel inclined to smile, wave, and think: “Gee, I sure am (largely) glad that X seems to be doing reasonably well for him/herself.

And, if you have truly gone through the first four phases of the LTRMP and learned the lessons that it has to impart on you, this part will be easy. Sure, you’ll feel these twinges of sentimentality, but that’s normal, because, honestly. You don’t ever truly “get over” these things.

You just learn to take your lumps, learn your lessons and not to make the same mistake more than once.

Again. Deep breath. ‘Cause you  know what?

THAT’S IT…for now.

And with that, I bid you farewell from my little corner of the Web aka SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog that is just takin’ its time/just movin’ along…” towards Friday, that is, when we will discuss “Listening.” Yikes!

REMOVAL

Partin’ Ways For Real: THE REMOVAL.

Hello gang, and welcome to this new Friday Edition of SEX WITH ME IS RAD. And guess what? I am STILL trying to stop the carnage by getting’ folks a-talkin’ ‘bout THE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS.

We’ve dealt with steps one through three, and all the passive aggression, the regular aggression, the denial and the frozen yogurt related discussions therein. And you might think that it’s all peaches and cream at this point. After all, didn’t I dub the last phase the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase? Well, I did. But, wait…

Take a closer look at that last phase. Aren’t those “quotation marks” hovering around the term “GOOD FRIENDS?” And, maybe, just maybe, do you detect the slightest subtle stench of desperation in those CAPITAL LETTERS THAT I HAVE BEEN USING???

Whew. Yeah, that’s not just cheap sex and stale beer you’re getting a whiff of right now…that is EAU DE DESPERATION. You see, as I mentioned in the previous entry, though our example couple has by now  seems to have ironed out the problems in their relationship, there’s one thing wrong here…

THE RELATIONSHIP IS STILL OVER. And I know, I know. These kids are still going out together, and uh, sometimes “staying in” together… BUT. Things between these guys have largely dissolved. Perhaps the most important thing to note with these guys is that they are no longer monogamous. And, by and large, the stability of this relationship is predicated on monogamy.  

Now, the way the couple handles this newfound non-monogamy depends on how secure each party is with the idea of their now EX-Long Term Honey entwining tongues and various other members with other people. Some people are simply more comfortable with the idea of their significant other (or ex-other) doing the sex with people who are not them than other people are. These people will likely experience more protracted periods of break-up/make-up/make out back and forthness, since they are not alienated by the idea of their partners being with other people per se.  

These more comfortable with non monogamy types are NOT immune, however, to the ultimate truth of the situation- which is that each party will, eventually, find someone else with whom they would like to be in a new relationship.

Which means cutting ties with the old partner, which means entering into the fourth phase of the LTRMP, hereafter to be referred to as “THE REMOVAL.”

This is the part of the breakup where the couple is not only broken up…they don’t see each other.

This is also the part of the breakup where past resentments, insecurities, feelings of neediness, rejection &c., really set in. In this regard, “THE REMOVAL” period can be more painful and protracted than “THE FIGHT” was.

At least with “THE FIGHT,” the two partners could address their negative feelings face to face. With “THE REMOVAL,” there is no such luxury- in fact, if one or both partners enter into NEW relationships, or move to different cities, or get restraining orders, there are usually active barriers between the parties involved in the OLD relationship.

At any rate, the WORST possible thing that either partner can do during this phase of the LTRMP is entertain the idea that the process of finding somebody new is somehow competitive. The fact of the matter is that it is 98.9 percent likely that both partners WILL, in fact, find somebody new eventually, and that regardless of who finds a new somebody first, the other somebody, no matter HOW QUICKLY they found their new somebody and HOW HAPPY they may be with said somebody, will STILL FEEL LIKE THE “LOSER.”

All of that said, it is not the responsibility of either partner to actually feel good for their ex. Far from it. In fact it is the denial of resentment that renders the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase so fragile and so temporary- it’s dishonest!

Resentment can be a healthy thing, however, if it is employed in a productive fashion.

For example, say you are, for whatever reason, REALLY bitter about the way your newly Ex’ed Ex treated you when he played Halo with his little brother- a minor irritation at the time, but, since the beginning of “THE REMOVAL” phase, this has become something of an obsession of yours.

Well. If you need to obsess about it, obsess about it. This irritated you for a reason, and identifying this will help define what you DON’T want out of future relationships.

Be aware, however, that this obsession will be painful, because it’s a burden you MUST BEAR PRIVATELY. Don’t voice it to friends, since most “friends” in this situation will nod and take “your side” no matter what, which is actually not helpful of them at all- it just encourages your feelings of resentment in a non constructive way because it creates that illusion of “me vs. him/her” that is the last thing you need when trying to deal with the pain of the LTRMP. Remember, the LTRMP is a lot of things, but it is not a competition.  REALLY.

And, WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOT TALK ABOUT THESE RESENTMENTS WITH POTENTIAL NEW ROMANTIC PARTNERS!!!!

I know it may feel like you are being forthcoming and honest and it seems cathartic or whatever. But, if you are airing these grievances without having dealt with them, you are setting yourself up for failure in future romantic endeavors. Sure, the new person might hear your complaint and be all like “Whoa! I had an ex who did the same thing and it drove me crazy!” or s/he might be all like “Whoa! I would never do that to you, clearly we are soul mates!” But the fact is you are not only being a big sourpuss negative Nelly- you are manipulating the fuck out of this poor person. This guy/gal doesn’t know the finer points of your past relationship, and if anything, s/he has a vested interest in taking your side in the matter, if for no other reason than to bolster his/her own innate sense of superiority to the “competition” i.e the person who loved/fucked you before s/he did. And again, that’s fostering an unhealthily competitive environment, which KILLS new relationships.

So, there you are…feeling alone, resentful, and, despite your best intentions and efforts, competitive as all get out. What do you do…?

Well, you stay tuned, because you, dear buddy, are reaching the home stretch of the LTRMP, about which I shall be typing over this fine Spring (?) weekend.

Until then, Thanks for reading and much love from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog that, much like Time, is ON YOUR SIDE!!!”          

    

     

    

      

The "GOOD FRIENDS" phase.

THE LTRMP PART THREE: WHY WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS…YET.

OK, friends  out there on the World Wide Web… and, um…a happy “One Month Since Valentine’s Day Day to You! Welcome once again to the World Wide World of SEX WITH ME IS RAD.

In addition to it being “One Month Since Valentine’s Day Day,” it is also a Monday out there, which means it’s time to discuss perhaps the strangest and least often mentioned phase of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS…

…Oh…is that the sound of you saying something to me to the effect of “yeah, what is this phase called?” “And, furthermore, what is this phase ABOUT?”

Well, let me tell you, then-

The tempestuous winds of “The Fight” have passed us by. The worst is over. Pour yourself a margarita, salt the rim (if that’s your thing), and settle in for smooth sailing.

That’s right, it’s the “WE ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS” phase of the LTRMP. This one comes after the chairs and windows and puppies have been largely repaired or replaced, the tears have been largely dried, and the two of you have decided to “focus on the good” aspects of your now clearly moribund relationship. The two partners have by now “officially” broken up, and have told friends and family as much.

Of course, there’s a question being asked both in front of and behind the now happy ex-couple’s back which goes a little something like this: “Yeah, but…uh… is this permanent (this time)?”

Chances are that either member of the now (presumably) happy ex-couple will answer this question with a sigh and a “Yeah. I think it is… ”which, amusingly enough, is the exact same answer both parties gave last time this happened (and it likely has happened at least once before). However, since this pair is an object lesson, you reading folks out there know as well as I do that this party is over. Or, at least it will be eventually.

The fact is… the “GOOD FRIEND” phase is pretty indistinguishable from a relationship. The couple spends as much, if not more, time together as they did before. Honestly, they are probably still sleeping together, and the sex is better than ever before! The ONLY difference is that they aren’t calling what they’re doing “dating” anymore.

To this you may say “wuh, wuh, wuh…Waaiiiit. This seems weird, and dishonest, and… weird! And also, why are these people doing this? What is so wrong with these two that they can’t either:

A)     Admit that they are actually still in a relationship.

OR

B)      Take the steps to separate from each other, like, for Real?

Well , the answers to both of these questions are actually strikingly similar. Despite all appearances, A) these two are NOT, in fact, in a relationship any more, and B) they actually ARE taking steps to separate from each other, like, for Real.

All of this can be happening for a number of reasons. The first, most obvious one is that the couple is acting like a couple out of sheer force of habit, much the same way they did before in the “PRE-BREAK-Up” phase. You could also view the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase as an elaborate psychodrama, in which the partners are exorcising the “bad” elements of their relationship by going through this very self conscious performance in which they re-construct it using only the “good” elements.    

Either way, this stage of the LTRMP is actually devastatingly fragile, and practically speaking, I would argue that the only difference between what’s going on in the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase and what went on in the relationship itself is related to semantics. But in complex matters such as these, oh observer of the two theoretical human animals that appear to be as “happy together” as another group of human animals calling themselves “The Turtles” (who are a completely different animal whose LTRMP I freely admit to knowing NOTHING about) once sang about…well, semantics can be everything.

Few care to admit this in this distanced age of social networking, but just look at how people react to something as simple as changing one’s relationship status on Facebook. Seriously. Try it sometime- you will elicit responses from people- genuine, heartfelt ones that will make you feel genuinely, heartfeltingly bad for being such a manipulative dink to Aunt Esmerelda and that one guy from accounting you barely know. Shame on you! They felt SO bad that you are “now listed as ‘Single…’” and you…you lied to them! Why don’t you just update your status saying “X passed away last night in his/her sleep after suddenly contracting Amoebic Dysentery?” It’s pretty much the same thing…   

But you can redeem yourself by learning the following lesson:

As much as people these days like to pretend they are over all the constructs of love and romance that Christianity and Economic Necessity built for us for so many years, we are totally not. For the most part, (and obviously this is more true of some folks than it is of others) the phrase “I am dating X” will carry with it a certain degree of weight- it connotes monogamy and partnership, for starters, which are pretty weighty ideas in and of themselves. BUT…in addition to these connotations, saying “I am in a relationship with X” comes with a nasty little parenthetical connotation: It’s like saying “I am in a relationship with X….(INDEFINITELY).”

Because, despite the myriad evidence to the contrary, people have naturalized the idea and are still under the impression that the human animal mates for life! And that every “relationship” is, by extension, a “marriage waiting to happen!”  

Obviously, this is the third or fourth stupidest thing I have ever typed, even in a rhetorical context. BUT. This is a thing which people think, and by removing the “Couple” tag from their relationship, our two ex- partners have freed themselves of the implicit burden of things like “wedding bells,” “joint bank accounts” and “eternity.”

Unfortunately for them, they’ve also stepped away from being explicitly “monogamous” with one another, and…

Remember how I just described the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase of the LTRMP as “Devastatingly Fragile?”

Well, it’s this ‘”step away” from monogamy that will ultimately catalyze the next phase of the process.

Which, obviously, I will be discussing on FRIDAY!

So, until then, It’s another goodbye from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Bloooooog that will Alllllwayyyyys… Looooove….. Youuuuuuuu!”                    

     

             

THE FIGHT!

LET’S TALK ABOUT “THE FIGHT.”

Oh, hi there, oh denizen of the World Wide Web. It’s that time again. A time to get on your favorite ISP (bonus points if you’re using your free hours from AOL) and access the Love blog that wishes only the best for you, the people you love, and the people you kinda wish loved you as much as you love them: SEX WITH ME IS RAD!

So, on Monday, we discussed THE PRE BREAKUP, aka the first stage of the LTR MOURNING PROCESS, which entails mechanical and/or nonexistent sex, weirdly incestuous feeling kisses, and an odd blindness towards the fact that there might be a problem a-brewin’.

And today, we’ll talk about that storm that’s a-brewin’ and the ways in which it may or may not storm. We’ve had the bed death and the stifling routine and the general flatness.

We are now ready for… “THE FIGHT.”

First things first- I’m calling this phase of the LTRMP “The Fight,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean that any actual fighting will be involved. As one gets older, and more accustomed to the vicissitudes of relationshipness, the “Fight” should become more like a “talk.” But, shit howdy, if you and your significant other are the passion-ridden fiery firebrands that I think you are, it’s pretty likely that your “Fights” have been pretty “fighty” in the past. And perhaps some will be in the future. But again, knowledge is power (or something) and I’m hoping from my end of this here blog that even seeing this here advice on your there screen will help you to identify the components of “The Fight” and maybe this knowledge will help you diffuse any undue nastiness, thereby expediting the LTRMP so everyone can go along their (ultimately) merry ways.

So. Basically, “The Fight” can assume any number of guises, it can be catalyzed by literally ANYTHING, and can be masked by any number of subterfuges.

Obviously, the most dramatic type of catalyst would be some sort of wrong, perpetrated by one partner on the other. You know, infidelity, general dishonesty, or (god forbid) violence. That stuff is, by nature the most explosive, partially thanks to its dramatic nature, but also partially because of people’s tendency to keep these truly horrible things secret for uncomfortable lengths of time.

You might also have a very ostensibly polite discussion about frozen yogurt that might cause both of you to wretch at the very thought of artificial mango flavoring for years to come.

At any rate, “The Fight” will likely start in an inopportune way, at an inopportune time. Like, partner A will be totally thinking s/he is focused on his career, and partner B will be borderline obsessed about how many dishes s/he has to wash. As I mentioned before, neither party will feel as if they are particularly prepared to talk about those icky “feelings” that have been percolating around in their souls.

THERE IS SIMPLY NO “GOOD” TIME for “The Fight.” Banish that thought from your head- you will need that room to fit all those brains you are supposed to keep up there. “The Fight” will happen, and it will blindside you and it will SUCK. LOTS. NO MATTER WHAT.

So, what to do when “The Fight” happens? Well, the two parties involved will probably shuffle through the entire gamut of emotions. Anger, guilt, loneliness, nostalgia. Fear. The whole she-bang. And, like I said before, they might express these emotions via pointed comments about one partner’s adverse reaction to the American Cheese-y yellowness of certain frozen treats. They might throw chairs at each other. Either way- something’s going on.

Depending on the emotional makeup of the two partners, the length of the relationship and the amount of repression involved, the explosiveness of “The Fight” will vary wildly.

What I advocate for as far as “The Fight” is concerned is a degree of emotional openness on the part of both partners. Honestly, so long as no one is hit by the aforementioned flying chairs, I prefer the more explosive version of “The Fight” to the more repressed one.

What you really want is a happy medium, where each party is expressing themselves as freely and articulately as possible, while being open to what the other party has to say…to which you may reply…

OH DEAR, THIS IS SO VERY PROFOUNDLY THE OPPOSITE OF EASY!

To which I reply…

YES THIS IS CORRECT. (and NB: the opposite of “easy” is “difficult”)

But as I often say, you, friend out there in the blogosphere, are a heavy-hittin’ no nonsense BIG DOG. You can take it, and so can your partner. The only way to emerge from “The Fight” safely is by letting it happen. No matter what, you are your own agent, and you should know innately how to protect yourself from any true harm that might befall you.

And, well, that’s all I have to say about that for now. This is a big topic, and a hard one discuss in too general a fashion. There are so many variables that come into play here, and I’m working through a lot of this in my own, generally capable, brain.

So, I would like to reiterate that any and all questions in regards to any stage of the LTRMP you may have will be duly entertained. Heck, I’m even thinking through a mathematical equation right now that might shed some light on how to calculate the potential severity of any given “The Fight.” And I hate math as much, if not twelve million times more, than Barbie does.

So until we meet again, thanks for reading SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that knows it’s over/still it clings/It doesn’t know where else it can go”        

     

     

ON ENDING AN LTR, PART ONE

SWM ISO IMPORTANT ANSWERS IN RE: LTRS, THE DISSOLUTION OF (BBWS A-OK)!

Oh, it’s that time.

“What time?” You may find yourself asking in response to the somewhat obtuse statement I just posted.

Well, friends. It’s time to talk about DATING. Specifically, the complex and often confusing world of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, or LTR to its friends.

It’s become pretty apparent to me over the course of the few SEX WITH ME IS RAD blogs that I have blogged, that my friends and followers are perhaps a little too smart for your typical “Oh, Alex, how do I get my girlfriend to find and operate my G-spot?” type questions (for the record, boys, it’s up your ass). The questions you guys are asking me are more along the lines of “Oh, Alex, how do I overcome my paralyzing social anxiety, deep seated self loathing and overall inability to function as a lover of other human beings?”  

And to this question I answer: “Good. Grrrreat. Let’s do it. Let’s get HEAVY.”

Because we out in Sextown are Big Dogs. And we like our shit REAL. And, perhaps more importantly, these are the plagues that plague me as well. So, (ironically?) it seems that the advisifier has also become the advisified.

Again. Good. Let’s work this out together.  Over the next few installments of SEX WITH ME IS RAD, I shall attempt to deconstruct, and hopefully to some extent demystify, the hardest phase of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

I’ve been talking to friends quite a bit recently about how to end an LTR. And the conclusion I’ve reached is that coming to terms with an LTR ending is essentially a process of mourning.

You are probably aware of the accepted stages of mourning. Me, I always forget what they are, but, I am still aware of them.  

So, let’s take a hard look at what I hereby dub THE LTR MOURNING PROCESS.

First off, for the sake of (relative) brevity and simplicity, let’s look at this process by creating a pretty general case study. Obviously, your situation will be somewhat different, and I will be more than thrilled to dedicate a column or twelve to answering any specific questions you may have at a later date. But for now, our case study will be a white heterosexual couple in their 20’s who are markedly more intelligent, attractive and self aware than your average butt flossed and popped collar pair a’ yahoos. Perhaps they are a little, how you say, “indie…” perhaps not. Either way, they communicate reasonably well, they care about each other, and they have been mostly monogamous for 1-7 years. They may have had their rough patches, but they’ve stuck together. And now, for whatever reason, the whole affair is drawing to a close. Maybe the two are moving apart literally, maybe figuratively. But things are going southerly quickly, and are, sadly, going to end…in a southern place. But don’t worry. THESE TWO WILL BE JUST FINE… EVENTUALLY. And the South is very nice this time of year. 

(facetious disclaimer: “in no way am I writing from experience here”)  

This brings us to…

 Stage One of the LTR MOURNING PROCESS. Stage one is honestly the most confusing, painful and the most difficult to identify of all the phases. In fact, it’s rarely even apparent that you are going through this phase until well after it happens. It’s that period where you and your LTH (Long Term Honey) are just plain old not feeling it. Like, really not feeling it.

We’ll call this phase the PRE-BREAKUP period. Because, hey, you can’t mourn something that doesn’t die, right?

The PRE-BREAKUP period is marked by the distinct feeling that when you kiss your significant other, you are in fact kissing…not necessarily your sister, but maybe your really cute cousin. I’m in no way saying that relationships should ALWAYS have this insane spark to them. They absolutely shouldn’t. But there’s a distinct edge to the lack of spark that accompanies the PRE-BREAKUP kiss. Believe me, it’s like pornography. You’ll know it when you see it.

Also, in this phase the couple will stop having sex, and neither party in the relationship will miss it at all. Like, not even a little. Oddly, sex in this phase feels less, ahem, incestuous, than the kissing does, but when it does happen (about once a month), it will be coming from a place of intense boredom and casual horniness. Seriously, sex with a stranger is better than sex in the death throes of a LTR- at least with a stranger there’s a novelty factor and the thrill of courting STD’s.

On a non-physical, surface level, everything seems oddly FINE in this stage of the break up. This is mostly because everyone involved, including even the close friends of our no longer so happy couple, is just going through the motions. And this is why the next phase usually comes as such a surprise- no one is paying attention to these red flags. Perhaps there are more deep seated problems at play, perhaps not. In fact, the underlying reasons that our couple is falling apart are pretty immaterial at this point, though they will certainly mitigate just how explosive the next phase of breakup ends up being.

And that phase, SEX WITH ME buddies, will be discussed, by me, on Friday! This was another long one, but again, this is the heavy shit, so it’s worth discussing in depth. I promise you less preamble next time and more meat. Until then, thanks so much for reading SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that will tell you when it’s the end, beautiful friend. My friend, The End”      

  

Once more with the Where’s.

Hey everybody out there in the world of the Sex With Me! It seems that more needs saying on the topic of where to meet the ever elusive “North American Snarky Male.”

So, I present to you people, of all genders, really, out there just a-suffering from what a friend of mine referred to today as “Liz Lemonitis” some heavy duty THEORY.

By now, you should have your witty head straight, and possibly your PARTNER IN CRIME in tow. The question is now “What sort of place do I take my straight head and crimey partner to meet some shiny new boys with smart brains in their heads and smart flames in their hearts and loins?

(Those are flames of passion, not angina or gonorrhea, mind you.)

Well. Since I am all about the equivocality here at SEX WITH ME IS RAD, I will give you some of the pros and cons of your potential meeting places.  

The first place you might consider going is called THE INTERNET. You may have heard of it…it’s like, that place that isn’t really a place.

On THE INTERNET, one flies solo, so you don’t have to worry about finding that PARTNER IN CRIME. On this non place, you basically have two choices-

1)      You’ve got your Craigslist, which is the biggest of crapshoots, because you don’t have the benefit of seeing someone’s profile; all you have to go on is their ad. Craigslist is interesting because it most closely resembles dating classifieds of yore. You know, when they used to be on paper and stuff and you had to call the person on the telephone. The good thing about Craigslist is that, if you’re smart, and decent at typing the English language, you can find a decent verbal sparring partner. Just find an ad that looks like it is well written (you can do it, I trust you!) and respond to it. The bad thing about CL is that you will likely end up frustrated, because you’ll clever about with this lad for several emails…and then one of you will likely end up thinking too much about it and get cold feet. If you choose to go this route, ASK THE PERSON ON A DATE WITHIN 3 EMAILS! And don’t expect too much. People on the ‘list tend to not put their money where their mouth is.

2)      You’ve got your Eharmony/OK Cupid/Whatever sites, where you are likely asked a ton of questions on topics ranging from your sexual proclivities to the temperature at which you prefer to eat your soup. These sites are problematic in that they objectify both you and your potential mates- yeah, you can show folks what cool music and films you are into, and you can give them your sexiest glamour shots…but at the end of the day, you are not defined by what you like. Or, for that matter, what you look like. It may seem that these thorough profiles and “precise” algorithms remove the guesswork of finding yourself a match, but honestly.  They don’t really do this, and besides: “We are the the music makers. We are the dreamers of dreams.” Do we really want some asshole in a lab coat telling us who to love? FUCK NO THANKS.

SO…that puts us back in the good old “Real World,” where people exist in 3 dimensions, and have voices and bodies and sometimes smell a little funny. For all intents and purposes, there are two types of place in this “Real” World:

1) You’ve got your loud places- your Dance Nights, your Rock Shows. I generally warn against these for smart people, because there’s something distinctly lowest common denominator about these events, and about dancing in particular. There’s an inherent sexuality to dancing that tends to be anathema to your average snarkasaurus. HOWEVER. If you end up at one of these nights, your best bet is with the wallflowers. Your snarkboy will likely be inclined to sit on the sidelines, and will appreciate a nice girl sidling up to him and making a clever comment to the effect of “aren’t these people silly?” and BOOM. You’re on your way.

2) You’ve got your quiet places- your Coffee Shops, Readings, and Libraries. I’ve mentioned coffee shops before, and they’re great first date locations…but not the best places to meet people. Coffee shops are more like libraries in that People in coffee shops are in the zone. You can meet people there…but it’s likely going to be difficult, because they will either be genuinely busy, or so introverted that warming them up will be like pulling teeth. Also, I’ve heard from many people that they find getting hit on in places like this is particularly annoying. If you think about it, the last thing you want while you are in the middle of reading your favorite book is some douchebag coming up to you and being all like “OMG! That is like totally my favorite book too!” Ugh.

What you really need, then, is to either adopt the latter approach to the loud places, or find someplace that splits the difference between the two. This means a bar with just the right amount of people, ambient noise and privacy. And what you do once you get there is find a nice visible place to sit where you can talk to your PARTNER in crime, and sit there. Keep your eyes open for people who seem attractive and intelligent…and then BE PROACTIVE. Sometimes being proactive can be as simple as making direct eye contact with your target. Shoot some meaningful glances over, and, if he’s returning the glances, chances are he will either come over to you, or you will get the overwhelming feeling that it is safe for you to come to him. And, again. BOOM. You’re on your way. I’m certainly not guaranteeing anything. You will still end up frustrated more often than not. BUT, it gets easier with practice, and you’ll find (somewhat ironically) that you will be wittier and more natural out of your head than you were when you were trapped in it.

Whew. And that just about wraps it up for this extra long installment of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- “The Blog that will lay it all out for you…in hope that someone nice will ultimately, well, you know…”