THE FIGHT!

LET’S TALK ABOUT “THE FIGHT.”

Oh, hi there, oh denizen of the World Wide Web. It’s that time again. A time to get on your favorite ISP (bonus points if you’re using your free hours from AOL) and access the Love blog that wishes only the best for you, the people you love, and the people you kinda wish loved you as much as you love them: SEX WITH ME IS RAD!

So, on Monday, we discussed THE PRE BREAKUP, aka the first stage of the LTR MOURNING PROCESS, which entails mechanical and/or nonexistent sex, weirdly incestuous feeling kisses, and an odd blindness towards the fact that there might be a problem a-brewin’.

And today, we’ll talk about that storm that’s a-brewin’ and the ways in which it may or may not storm. We’ve had the bed death and the stifling routine and the general flatness.

We are now ready for… “THE FIGHT.”

First things first- I’m calling this phase of the LTRMP “The Fight,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean that any actual fighting will be involved. As one gets older, and more accustomed to the vicissitudes of relationshipness, the “Fight” should become more like a “talk.” But, shit howdy, if you and your significant other are the passion-ridden fiery firebrands that I think you are, it’s pretty likely that your “Fights” have been pretty “fighty” in the past. And perhaps some will be in the future. But again, knowledge is power (or something) and I’m hoping from my end of this here blog that even seeing this here advice on your there screen will help you to identify the components of “The Fight” and maybe this knowledge will help you diffuse any undue nastiness, thereby expediting the LTRMP so everyone can go along their (ultimately) merry ways.

So. Basically, “The Fight” can assume any number of guises, it can be catalyzed by literally ANYTHING, and can be masked by any number of subterfuges.

Obviously, the most dramatic type of catalyst would be some sort of wrong, perpetrated by one partner on the other. You know, infidelity, general dishonesty, or (god forbid) violence. That stuff is, by nature the most explosive, partially thanks to its dramatic nature, but also partially because of people’s tendency to keep these truly horrible things secret for uncomfortable lengths of time.

You might also have a very ostensibly polite discussion about frozen yogurt that might cause both of you to wretch at the very thought of artificial mango flavoring for years to come.

At any rate, “The Fight” will likely start in an inopportune way, at an inopportune time. Like, partner A will be totally thinking s/he is focused on his career, and partner B will be borderline obsessed about how many dishes s/he has to wash. As I mentioned before, neither party will feel as if they are particularly prepared to talk about those icky “feelings” that have been percolating around in their souls.

THERE IS SIMPLY NO “GOOD” TIME for “The Fight.” Banish that thought from your head- you will need that room to fit all those brains you are supposed to keep up there. “The Fight” will happen, and it will blindside you and it will SUCK. LOTS. NO MATTER WHAT.

So, what to do when “The Fight” happens? Well, the two parties involved will probably shuffle through the entire gamut of emotions. Anger, guilt, loneliness, nostalgia. Fear. The whole she-bang. And, like I said before, they might express these emotions via pointed comments about one partner’s adverse reaction to the American Cheese-y yellowness of certain frozen treats. They might throw chairs at each other. Either way- something’s going on.

Depending on the emotional makeup of the two partners, the length of the relationship and the amount of repression involved, the explosiveness of “The Fight” will vary wildly.

What I advocate for as far as “The Fight” is concerned is a degree of emotional openness on the part of both partners. Honestly, so long as no one is hit by the aforementioned flying chairs, I prefer the more explosive version of “The Fight” to the more repressed one.

What you really want is a happy medium, where each party is expressing themselves as freely and articulately as possible, while being open to what the other party has to say…to which you may reply…

OH DEAR, THIS IS SO VERY PROFOUNDLY THE OPPOSITE OF EASY!

To which I reply…

YES THIS IS CORRECT. (and NB: the opposite of “easy” is “difficult”)

But as I often say, you, friend out there in the blogosphere, are a heavy-hittin’ no nonsense BIG DOG. You can take it, and so can your partner. The only way to emerge from “The Fight” safely is by letting it happen. No matter what, you are your own agent, and you should know innately how to protect yourself from any true harm that might befall you.

And, well, that’s all I have to say about that for now. This is a big topic, and a hard one discuss in too general a fashion. There are so many variables that come into play here, and I’m working through a lot of this in my own, generally capable, brain.

So, I would like to reiterate that any and all questions in regards to any stage of the LTRMP you may have will be duly entertained. Heck, I’m even thinking through a mathematical equation right now that might shed some light on how to calculate the potential severity of any given “The Fight.” And I hate math as much, if not twelve million times more, than Barbie does.

So until we meet again, thanks for reading SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that knows it’s over/still it clings/It doesn’t know where else it can go”        

     

     

ON ENDING AN LTR, PART ONE

SWM ISO IMPORTANT ANSWERS IN RE: LTRS, THE DISSOLUTION OF (BBWS A-OK)!

Oh, it’s that time.

“What time?” You may find yourself asking in response to the somewhat obtuse statement I just posted.

Well, friends. It’s time to talk about DATING. Specifically, the complex and often confusing world of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, or LTR to its friends.

It’s become pretty apparent to me over the course of the few SEX WITH ME IS RAD blogs that I have blogged, that my friends and followers are perhaps a little too smart for your typical “Oh, Alex, how do I get my girlfriend to find and operate my G-spot?” type questions (for the record, boys, it’s up your ass). The questions you guys are asking me are more along the lines of “Oh, Alex, how do I overcome my paralyzing social anxiety, deep seated self loathing and overall inability to function as a lover of other human beings?”  

And to this question I answer: “Good. Grrrreat. Let’s do it. Let’s get HEAVY.”

Because we out in Sextown are Big Dogs. And we like our shit REAL. And, perhaps more importantly, these are the plagues that plague me as well. So, (ironically?) it seems that the advisifier has also become the advisified.

Again. Good. Let’s work this out together.  Over the next few installments of SEX WITH ME IS RAD, I shall attempt to deconstruct, and hopefully to some extent demystify, the hardest phase of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

I’ve been talking to friends quite a bit recently about how to end an LTR. And the conclusion I’ve reached is that coming to terms with an LTR ending is essentially a process of mourning.

You are probably aware of the accepted stages of mourning. Me, I always forget what they are, but, I am still aware of them.  

So, let’s take a hard look at what I hereby dub THE LTR MOURNING PROCESS.

First off, for the sake of (relative) brevity and simplicity, let’s look at this process by creating a pretty general case study. Obviously, your situation will be somewhat different, and I will be more than thrilled to dedicate a column or twelve to answering any specific questions you may have at a later date. But for now, our case study will be a white heterosexual couple in their 20’s who are markedly more intelligent, attractive and self aware than your average butt flossed and popped collar pair a’ yahoos. Perhaps they are a little, how you say, “indie…” perhaps not. Either way, they communicate reasonably well, they care about each other, and they have been mostly monogamous for 1-7 years. They may have had their rough patches, but they’ve stuck together. And now, for whatever reason, the whole affair is drawing to a close. Maybe the two are moving apart literally, maybe figuratively. But things are going southerly quickly, and are, sadly, going to end…in a southern place. But don’t worry. THESE TWO WILL BE JUST FINE… EVENTUALLY. And the South is very nice this time of year. 

(facetious disclaimer: “in no way am I writing from experience here”)  

This brings us to…

 Stage One of the LTR MOURNING PROCESS. Stage one is honestly the most confusing, painful and the most difficult to identify of all the phases. In fact, it’s rarely even apparent that you are going through this phase until well after it happens. It’s that period where you and your LTH (Long Term Honey) are just plain old not feeling it. Like, really not feeling it.

We’ll call this phase the PRE-BREAKUP period. Because, hey, you can’t mourn something that doesn’t die, right?

The PRE-BREAKUP period is marked by the distinct feeling that when you kiss your significant other, you are in fact kissing…not necessarily your sister, but maybe your really cute cousin. I’m in no way saying that relationships should ALWAYS have this insane spark to them. They absolutely shouldn’t. But there’s a distinct edge to the lack of spark that accompanies the PRE-BREAKUP kiss. Believe me, it’s like pornography. You’ll know it when you see it.

Also, in this phase the couple will stop having sex, and neither party in the relationship will miss it at all. Like, not even a little. Oddly, sex in this phase feels less, ahem, incestuous, than the kissing does, but when it does happen (about once a month), it will be coming from a place of intense boredom and casual horniness. Seriously, sex with a stranger is better than sex in the death throes of a LTR- at least with a stranger there’s a novelty factor and the thrill of courting STD’s.

On a non-physical, surface level, everything seems oddly FINE in this stage of the break up. This is mostly because everyone involved, including even the close friends of our no longer so happy couple, is just going through the motions. And this is why the next phase usually comes as such a surprise- no one is paying attention to these red flags. Perhaps there are more deep seated problems at play, perhaps not. In fact, the underlying reasons that our couple is falling apart are pretty immaterial at this point, though they will certainly mitigate just how explosive the next phase of breakup ends up being.

And that phase, SEX WITH ME buddies, will be discussed, by me, on Friday! This was another long one, but again, this is the heavy shit, so it’s worth discussing in depth. I promise you less preamble next time and more meat. Until then, thanks so much for reading SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that will tell you when it’s the end, beautiful friend. My friend, The End”      

  

ON SNARK

HELLO AND WELCOME TO YOU

On this Snowy Friday edition of (addition to?) SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “What’s a snarky single gal to do?

This one is another two-parter. This is because you, my dear readers, ask complex questions that deserve in depth answers. Like me, you are as repulsively intelligent as you are engagingly neurotic.  

The first part of the question reads like this:

Any advice on where a smart, snarky single girl can meet a smart, snarky single guy

OK. Let’s hold the phone here and address your first issue, which is the “snarkiness.”

To [somewhat clumsily] paraphrase the famous poet Steven Morrissey: “[Snarkiness] is nice/but [Snarkiness] can stop you/from doing all the [people] in life you’d like to.”

Before you, the sassy single gal, can even decide where to search for a sassy single guy, you need to take stock of just how snarky you are and how that sarcastic demeanor of yours comes across to others.

This is where things get tough, and this is a very real, often unaddressed reason that so many smartypantses have trouble in the realm of the romantic:

SNARKASM IS NOT AS SEXY AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO THINK IT IS. Now, I’m hardly advocating for you dumbing yourself down- in fact, some of us are honest to God incapable of such things. But, I guarantee you that, at best, the depth of your wit is going to be lost on a new acquaintance. At worst, what seems “snarky” to you, might just come across as “cutting” to another party. The best way to avoid this pitfall is to play it safe. Try to listen more than you talk. Believe me- smart people can smell intelligence. Start with the best approximation of small talk you can muster- and then work your way up to the jokes and the banter. Personally, I like to ask questions and give prompts that indicate I at least have a general idea what the fuck the other person is talking about. A good initial conversation can be as simple as the following:

            ME: So, what do you do for work?

            GIRL: Oh, um. Actually, I answer calls for the local suicide hotline…

ME: (affecting engagedness and degree of surprise) Ah, so, do you really talk people off of ledges? Like, literally?

Note how I am not necessarily being funny, or particularly sarcastic…I’m just trying to come off as canny and interested. Note also that I said I was “affecting” interest. That doesn’t mean I’m necessarily being insincere, I’m just stressing the importance of adopting the appropriate body language to accompany my words. One of the reasons intelligent people have trouble interacting with others stems from a general inability to express themselves physically. This is a problem I have been working on myself recently. If one appears to be stuck in one’s head, one tends to come across as cold, and being witty and even downright amusing can make one seem more intimidating.

So, there’s a little tangent/caveat for you- I’ll get to the meat of the question which is where and how to meet these elusive intelligent creatures who company we all covet so on Monday.

Until then: All the best from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Blog that will never give you up, nor will it let you down (although it may answer your inquiries somewhat tangentially from time to time)”

BLUE MONDAY.

WORKING THE KINKS OUT...

HELLO AND WELCOME To the first of (hopefully) many “Blue” Monday installments of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- “the Love Blog That Loves You Back!”

That’s right, gangsters, I am about to embark on my first foray into the seamy underbelly of the human heart commonly known as the human crotch.

The question for this extra special Blue Monday edition reads as follows: How do I get a nice boy who just wants to hold hands and make love to tie me up and spank me?

DAMN! Good Question, Filthy Dude(tte)!

Ok. Well, you have a nice boy. Good for you. But he seems to be a bit ‘Nilla. This is less good for you- you have chosen the sex equivalent of the cookie equivalent of the Necco wafer. Some part of you may think:  why do they even make people this way anymore? But they do, and you like him for whatever reason. You probably even like him because of the outside potential that you can corrupt him and turn him into, at the very least, a Mint Milano.

(Cookie Metaphor. . .OVER).

The real problem here isn’t that you want to do anything outlandish. The problem is that you may have someone who is inherently incompatible with you, sexually speaking. When you take someone who is naturally submissive, and ask them to be dominant, there’s just no getting around the fact that you are, in fact, the dominant one in the relationship.

Which means that you need to ask yourself: why do I like being tied up and spanked so much? If it’s simply because you like the sensation of being tied up and spanked, your problem is easily solved- you simply train your nice boy to pretend to dominate you. You start out slow and work the bondage routine into the bonding.

In this scenario, You and Mr. Love-Makey are role playing in the most literal sense of the word. He is no more your dominator than he would be Minnie Mouse in a catholic school girl uniform if that’s what you guys were into.  

If what you really need from bondage play is the feeling of being dominated, you are in for a much trickier search for sexual gratification.  Simply finding some nice boy and telling him to tell you what to do to you isn’t gonna cut it- what you need to look for, dear asker of sex questions, is the mythical “gentleman on the streets/freak in the sheets.”  This is a boy who seems nice and submissive…until the bedroom door closes. These types exist, but they are very difficult to identify. This is because kinks are elusive qualities. They tend to dwell in the nether regions of the consciousness and often lie dormant and even undetected.  And people lie about them, both negatively and positively.  

And,  as much as I like to think I can read people like so many graphic novels, people’s true sexual proclivities  are, sadly,  a mystery until you actually, um… proclive with them. So what does that leave us with? Love. Yup. Once again, I find myself advocating for True Love, because if you find true love, the worst case scenario is you’re just that much less likely to care that nice boy’s mouth isn’t as commandingly filthy as you might like it to be. Best case scenario- you unleash his inner freak and he will soon master the fine art of telling you exactly how you want your ass to be smacked. Either way- training and perseverance are key. That, and taking all the other ass numbingly fantastic advice I have given you in the past. And…IN THE FUTURE!

Until then, I wish you the best of sexual luck from SEX WITH ME IS RAD- “The blog that says as much as it cares...which is more than you think!”

Sexual Advisement for Those Truly in Need- THIS MEANS YOU!!!

Hello, Everybody!

This is the first installment of my new Sexual Advisory Web Blog, entitled "Sex with Me is Rad!"

In this here blog, I will be fielding questions from curious parties that pertain to matters of sex, romance, and the human condition in general. Honestly, you're better off asking about the latter two topics, in which I am an expert- leave the medical stuff to that adorable Dr. Drew fellow.

So, let the questioning commence- you can ask questions of me either via this blog on the comments or via email at sexwithmeisrad@gmail.com