WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING (LOVE)

Oh hello there, and welcome to another little installment of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- the love advice blog that doesn’t advise about love so much as it rants, raves and circumlocutes in regards to things that have to do with relationships in general. Because, honestly- advice is for the kind of suckers who go through life thinking it’s like, gonna make sense  or something. Pffft.

We dear friends, are a different breed of suckers. We are the kind of sucker who knows that, for better or worse , life is little more than  a series of events with a loosely causal relationship to one another. And  that these events are rarely all good or all bad, though we are often tempted to categorize them as one or the other. And this inclination to wonder “what do all of these loosely causally related events like, mean???” is the reason we’re all here right now a-frettin’ and a-worryin’ about our various stuff and things.

And what, you might ask, are these “stuffs” and “things” that we’re worrying about, as we sit here, on our respective computering devices, in our respective coffee-shops, bedrooms, public libraries and wi-fi enabled brothels? 

Well, let me tell you. The “thing” of the day is “EXPECTATION.”

And yes, this is a little abstract, I know. And that’s actually part of the point. Today, we’ll be discussing “expectation” vis a vis romantic relationships (mostly). And we’ll be doing this because expectation is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest stumbling blocks that stands between you, oh undeniably but (yet unassumingly) sexy reader, and finding the closest thing to TRU LUV™ in this silly little plane of reality that we all occasionally blow our noses on.

So- what exactly should one expect from a love relationship? And, perhaps more importantly- what SHOULDN’T one expect?

Well, at the risk of sounding like someone who defines things negatively, I’m going to fixate a bit today on what one SHOULD NOT expect from one’s romantic relationship. And I’m going to lead with a big one here, and I’m going to trust you guys to bear with me…

YOU SHOULD NOT EXPECT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP TO BE “SATISFYING.” PERIOD.

Yeah. Perish the thought.

“Satisfaction” is little more than one of many undeniably classic, if heinously overplayed, songs that Keith Richards’ heroin addiction happened to channel into being for the benefit of sentimental dads, Record Label executives and bemused Super Bowl audiences everywhere (NB- these three markets are FAR from being mutually exclusive).   

There’s a reason why people make fun of that monologue from Jerry McGuire where he goes on and on about how whatsherface “completing him.” It’s a fanciful, trite sentiment that is completely counterproductive to anything that might possible resemble an actual, functional loving relationship. (Furthermore, inside sources say that it was having to bring this unfortunate swathe of particularly purple screenwriting to life that drove Tom Cruise finally and ineffably into the belly of SCIENTOLOGY. And the last thing I want for any of you lovely people is to see you become Scientologists.)

“Satisfaction,” is, at best, a momentary pleasure. And it’s a privilege, not a right. It’s a side benefit of working at your relationship with someone whose skill set COMPLEMENTS YOURS. And this is something I will absolutely get into the nitty gritty of in a future so near, it won’t even involve flying cars. I promise.

Til’ then- a very merry “ try and stay Zen through the impending cold and dark and loneliness that is the Holiday season” to you from “SEX WITH ME IS RAD: The love blog that tries. Oh it tries. It tries and tries and tries.”   

        

THE FIGHT!

LET’S TALK ABOUT “THE FIGHT.”

Oh, hi there, oh denizen of the World Wide Web. It’s that time again. A time to get on your favorite ISP (bonus points if you’re using your free hours from AOL) and access the Love blog that wishes only the best for you, the people you love, and the people you kinda wish loved you as much as you love them: SEX WITH ME IS RAD!

So, on Monday, we discussed THE PRE BREAKUP, aka the first stage of the LTR MOURNING PROCESS, which entails mechanical and/or nonexistent sex, weirdly incestuous feeling kisses, and an odd blindness towards the fact that there might be a problem a-brewin’.

And today, we’ll talk about that storm that’s a-brewin’ and the ways in which it may or may not storm. We’ve had the bed death and the stifling routine and the general flatness.

We are now ready for… “THE FIGHT.”

First things first- I’m calling this phase of the LTRMP “The Fight,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean that any actual fighting will be involved. As one gets older, and more accustomed to the vicissitudes of relationshipness, the “Fight” should become more like a “talk.” But, shit howdy, if you and your significant other are the passion-ridden fiery firebrands that I think you are, it’s pretty likely that your “Fights” have been pretty “fighty” in the past. And perhaps some will be in the future. But again, knowledge is power (or something) and I’m hoping from my end of this here blog that even seeing this here advice on your there screen will help you to identify the components of “The Fight” and maybe this knowledge will help you diffuse any undue nastiness, thereby expediting the LTRMP so everyone can go along their (ultimately) merry ways.

So. Basically, “The Fight” can assume any number of guises, it can be catalyzed by literally ANYTHING, and can be masked by any number of subterfuges.

Obviously, the most dramatic type of catalyst would be some sort of wrong, perpetrated by one partner on the other. You know, infidelity, general dishonesty, or (god forbid) violence. That stuff is, by nature the most explosive, partially thanks to its dramatic nature, but also partially because of people’s tendency to keep these truly horrible things secret for uncomfortable lengths of time.

You might also have a very ostensibly polite discussion about frozen yogurt that might cause both of you to wretch at the very thought of artificial mango flavoring for years to come.

At any rate, “The Fight” will likely start in an inopportune way, at an inopportune time. Like, partner A will be totally thinking s/he is focused on his career, and partner B will be borderline obsessed about how many dishes s/he has to wash. As I mentioned before, neither party will feel as if they are particularly prepared to talk about those icky “feelings” that have been percolating around in their souls.

THERE IS SIMPLY NO “GOOD” TIME for “The Fight.” Banish that thought from your head- you will need that room to fit all those brains you are supposed to keep up there. “The Fight” will happen, and it will blindside you and it will SUCK. LOTS. NO MATTER WHAT.

So, what to do when “The Fight” happens? Well, the two parties involved will probably shuffle through the entire gamut of emotions. Anger, guilt, loneliness, nostalgia. Fear. The whole she-bang. And, like I said before, they might express these emotions via pointed comments about one partner’s adverse reaction to the American Cheese-y yellowness of certain frozen treats. They might throw chairs at each other. Either way- something’s going on.

Depending on the emotional makeup of the two partners, the length of the relationship and the amount of repression involved, the explosiveness of “The Fight” will vary wildly.

What I advocate for as far as “The Fight” is concerned is a degree of emotional openness on the part of both partners. Honestly, so long as no one is hit by the aforementioned flying chairs, I prefer the more explosive version of “The Fight” to the more repressed one.

What you really want is a happy medium, where each party is expressing themselves as freely and articulately as possible, while being open to what the other party has to say…to which you may reply…

OH DEAR, THIS IS SO VERY PROFOUNDLY THE OPPOSITE OF EASY!

To which I reply…

YES THIS IS CORRECT. (and NB: the opposite of “easy” is “difficult”)

But as I often say, you, friend out there in the blogosphere, are a heavy-hittin’ no nonsense BIG DOG. You can take it, and so can your partner. The only way to emerge from “The Fight” safely is by letting it happen. No matter what, you are your own agent, and you should know innately how to protect yourself from any true harm that might befall you.

And, well, that’s all I have to say about that for now. This is a big topic, and a hard one discuss in too general a fashion. There are so many variables that come into play here, and I’m working through a lot of this in my own, generally capable, brain.

So, I would like to reiterate that any and all questions in regards to any stage of the LTRMP you may have will be duly entertained. Heck, I’m even thinking through a mathematical equation right now that might shed some light on how to calculate the potential severity of any given “The Fight.” And I hate math as much, if not twelve million times more, than Barbie does.

So until we meet again, thanks for reading SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that knows it’s over/still it clings/It doesn’t know where else it can go”        

     

     

Sexual Advisement for Those Truly in Need- THIS MEANS YOU!!!

Hello, Everybody!

This is the first installment of my new Sexual Advisory Web Blog, entitled "Sex with Me is Rad!"

In this here blog, I will be fielding questions from curious parties that pertain to matters of sex, romance, and the human condition in general. Honestly, you're better off asking about the latter two topics, in which I am an expert- leave the medical stuff to that adorable Dr. Drew fellow.

So, let the questioning commence- you can ask questions of me either via this blog on the comments or via email at sexwithmeisrad@gmail.com