Movin' on out.

Finally. More About Getting the Heck Outta Dodge, and How it May Affect Your Relationship.

Alrighty, folks. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Reports of my extended absence…less so. But never you mind about that. The fact is- SEX WITH ME IS RAD is BACK. And it should be more or less back on schedule.   

When last we spoke, we digressed a bit, talkin’ ‘bout CAUSAL SEX, as opposed to “Casual Sex,” and I must say it was a discussion worth discussing. And it is a discussion that warrants further discussing indeed.

But, we’re back in the realms of the heart, rather than the realms of the crotch, where anything and everything can, and will, happen.

As you may or may not remember, we are back in the company of our two archetypal lovers, who are now dealing with the reality that the land of GRAD SCHOOL beckons- and the land of GRAD SCHOOL is far, far away from the land in which the relationship has existed thus far. It’s a confusing, heartwrenching crossroads for our friends to be at, to be sure.

And what exactly is at this crossroads, besides perhaps the Devil and Bizzy Bone and Robert Johnson and maybe Bobby Frost and a million two bit high school commencement speakers arguing about which road is in fact “less travelled?”

(Hint: it’s usually the one on the left)

At this crossroads, there are mostly a lot of logistical questions. Obviously, first and foremost, the couple will need to figure out exactly how much they like each other and how well they function as a couple-y unit/team-y thing. Ostensibly, a couple that has been together longer and has lived together is far more likely to pick up and move together. The patterns of co-habitation have already been established and will be actually be much harder to break than they will be to simply pick up and move to another location. A couple that isn’t living together will be more likely to split in this situation, unless they happen to be REALLY ready to “take the next step” in their relationship, simply because if both parties move together, then, shit, they’re suddenly LIVING together- if they move separately, that’s twice as much apartment finding, and ultimately, moving, that needs to be done.

The second major set of questions relates to work and to the social environment our potential re-locators will be facing. In this situation, party A, the one going to grad school, is at a distinct advantage over party B. More so than the world of actual work, academia, obviously, is a pretty hermetically sealed environment- it’s a lifestyle. So, Party A, our resident egghead, is moving to his or her new town with a social network, workplace, and possibly even a living situation ready and waiting for him/her. Party B may be moving to this new place empty handed. This disadvantage can be offset if Party B is an innately social, outgoing creature, or if Party B has already found a job and/or has friends in the city the couple is moving to.

If B is a wallflower and a homebody, I strongly recommend against the couple uprooting and moving together. In this case, the two parties will simply become unnecessarily co-dependent and will likely resent each other, unless B is truly content and happy in her solitude, something I believe can only come with age and experience- so younger couples (read: anyone under 30) should be especially wary of this particular caveat.        

And of course, if the relationship as a whole isn’t healthy, or simply isn’t suited for the new environment that the pair is moving to, it’s best to bite the bullet and take steps towards breaking up. Heck, the two parties can use the big move as an excuse to extricate themselves from the whole crappy affair!     

If our couple should choose to BREAK UP, they will become subject to the Long Term Relationship Mourning Process, which I seem to remember describing in detail at some point in the increasing long, dark history of this here blog.

The only major kink that distance throws into the LTRMP is that it, in some way removes, or at least greatly modifies, the second stage of the process, which is THE FIGHT.

If distance is the ONLY reason our couple is calling it quits, then THE FIGHT will be less a “fight” than it is a teary, extended discussion.

But, seriously. What kind of honest to goodness pair of real human animal creatures would have such a simple relationship that they could break up after a significant period of time for only one simple little reason…regardless of how much debt one may incur as a result of that simple little reason?

IT’S A FACT: Breakups are never as “clean” as they ought to be. So, what can our couple expect if they choose to break up in the face of impending theses, long term separation and the heavy handed eroticism of the latest bodice ripping “adult fantasy” series appearing on the television set?

Essentially, what they can expect is a mild, yet protracted, period of second guessing- questions like “did we do the ‘right’ thing?” and “did I just completely waste those X number of years of my life with that jerk?” will likely arise during this period. The only advice I can give here is: try to think of these things during the day, while you are nice and sober and not near a telephone or implement of text messaging.

Trust me on that one.        

So, there we have it. My first set of words in a couple of weeks. I think that, for the time being, I’ll just be doing the blog every Monday, rather than both Monday and Friday, though I’m sure that will all change as well. Next time, we’ll talk about what happens when our happy couple opts to stay together in the face of impending higher education…a risky option if ever there was one, but not one without its merits.

But until that time, I wish you a fond farewell from SEX WITH ME IS RAD “The Love Blog that simply Can’t Live [With Or] Without You.”   

   

  

ON ENDING AN LTR, PART ONE

SWM ISO IMPORTANT ANSWERS IN RE: LTRS, THE DISSOLUTION OF (BBWS A-OK)!

Oh, it’s that time.

“What time?” You may find yourself asking in response to the somewhat obtuse statement I just posted.

Well, friends. It’s time to talk about DATING. Specifically, the complex and often confusing world of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, or LTR to its friends.

It’s become pretty apparent to me over the course of the few SEX WITH ME IS RAD blogs that I have blogged, that my friends and followers are perhaps a little too smart for your typical “Oh, Alex, how do I get my girlfriend to find and operate my G-spot?” type questions (for the record, boys, it’s up your ass). The questions you guys are asking me are more along the lines of “Oh, Alex, how do I overcome my paralyzing social anxiety, deep seated self loathing and overall inability to function as a lover of other human beings?”  

And to this question I answer: “Good. Grrrreat. Let’s do it. Let’s get HEAVY.”

Because we out in Sextown are Big Dogs. And we like our shit REAL. And, perhaps more importantly, these are the plagues that plague me as well. So, (ironically?) it seems that the advisifier has also become the advisified.

Again. Good. Let’s work this out together.  Over the next few installments of SEX WITH ME IS RAD, I shall attempt to deconstruct, and hopefully to some extent demystify, the hardest phase of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

I’ve been talking to friends quite a bit recently about how to end an LTR. And the conclusion I’ve reached is that coming to terms with an LTR ending is essentially a process of mourning.

You are probably aware of the accepted stages of mourning. Me, I always forget what they are, but, I am still aware of them.  

So, let’s take a hard look at what I hereby dub THE LTR MOURNING PROCESS.

First off, for the sake of (relative) brevity and simplicity, let’s look at this process by creating a pretty general case study. Obviously, your situation will be somewhat different, and I will be more than thrilled to dedicate a column or twelve to answering any specific questions you may have at a later date. But for now, our case study will be a white heterosexual couple in their 20’s who are markedly more intelligent, attractive and self aware than your average butt flossed and popped collar pair a’ yahoos. Perhaps they are a little, how you say, “indie…” perhaps not. Either way, they communicate reasonably well, they care about each other, and they have been mostly monogamous for 1-7 years. They may have had their rough patches, but they’ve stuck together. And now, for whatever reason, the whole affair is drawing to a close. Maybe the two are moving apart literally, maybe figuratively. But things are going southerly quickly, and are, sadly, going to end…in a southern place. But don’t worry. THESE TWO WILL BE JUST FINE… EVENTUALLY. And the South is very nice this time of year. 

(facetious disclaimer: “in no way am I writing from experience here”)  

This brings us to…

 Stage One of the LTR MOURNING PROCESS. Stage one is honestly the most confusing, painful and the most difficult to identify of all the phases. In fact, it’s rarely even apparent that you are going through this phase until well after it happens. It’s that period where you and your LTH (Long Term Honey) are just plain old not feeling it. Like, really not feeling it.

We’ll call this phase the PRE-BREAKUP period. Because, hey, you can’t mourn something that doesn’t die, right?

The PRE-BREAKUP period is marked by the distinct feeling that when you kiss your significant other, you are in fact kissing…not necessarily your sister, but maybe your really cute cousin. I’m in no way saying that relationships should ALWAYS have this insane spark to them. They absolutely shouldn’t. But there’s a distinct edge to the lack of spark that accompanies the PRE-BREAKUP kiss. Believe me, it’s like pornography. You’ll know it when you see it.

Also, in this phase the couple will stop having sex, and neither party in the relationship will miss it at all. Like, not even a little. Oddly, sex in this phase feels less, ahem, incestuous, than the kissing does, but when it does happen (about once a month), it will be coming from a place of intense boredom and casual horniness. Seriously, sex with a stranger is better than sex in the death throes of a LTR- at least with a stranger there’s a novelty factor and the thrill of courting STD’s.

On a non-physical, surface level, everything seems oddly FINE in this stage of the break up. This is mostly because everyone involved, including even the close friends of our no longer so happy couple, is just going through the motions. And this is why the next phase usually comes as such a surprise- no one is paying attention to these red flags. Perhaps there are more deep seated problems at play, perhaps not. In fact, the underlying reasons that our couple is falling apart are pretty immaterial at this point, though they will certainly mitigate just how explosive the next phase of breakup ends up being.

And that phase, SEX WITH ME buddies, will be discussed, by me, on Friday! This was another long one, but again, this is the heavy shit, so it’s worth discussing in depth. I promise you less preamble next time and more meat. Until then, thanks so much for reading SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that will tell you when it’s the end, beautiful friend. My friend, The End”