SWM ISO IMPORTANT ANSWERS IN RE: LTRS, THE DISSOLUTION OF (BBWS A-OK)!
Oh, it’s that time.
“What time?” You may find yourself asking in response to the somewhat obtuse statement I just posted.
Well, friends. It’s time to talk about DATING. Specifically, the complex and often confusing world of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, or LTR to its friends.
It’s become pretty apparent to me over the course of the few SEX WITH ME IS RAD blogs that I have blogged, that my friends and followers are perhaps a little too smart for your typical “Oh, Alex, how do I get my girlfriend to find and operate my G-spot?” type questions (for the record, boys, it’s up your ass). The questions you guys are asking me are more along the lines of “Oh, Alex, how do I overcome my paralyzing social anxiety, deep seated self loathing and overall inability to function as a lover of other human beings?”
And to this question I answer: “Good. Grrrreat. Let’s do it. Let’s get HEAVY.”
Because we out in Sextown are Big Dogs. And we like our shit REAL. And, perhaps more importantly, these are the plagues that plague me as well. So, (ironically?) it seems that the advisifier has also become the advisified.
Again. Good. Let’s work this out together. Over the next few installments of SEX WITH ME IS RAD, I shall attempt to deconstruct, and hopefully to some extent demystify, the hardest phase of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.
I’ve been talking to friends quite a bit recently about how to end an LTR. And the conclusion I’ve reached is that coming to terms with an LTR ending is essentially a process of mourning.
You are probably aware of the accepted stages of mourning. Me, I always forget what they are, but, I am still aware of them.
So, let’s take a hard look at what I hereby dub THE LTR MOURNING PROCESS.
First off, for the sake of (relative) brevity and simplicity, let’s look at this process by creating a pretty general case study. Obviously, your situation will be somewhat different, and I will be more than thrilled to dedicate a column or twelve to answering any specific questions you may have at a later date. But for now, our case study will be a white heterosexual couple in their 20’s who are markedly more intelligent, attractive and self aware than your average butt flossed and popped collar pair a’ yahoos. Perhaps they are a little, how you say, “indie…” perhaps not. Either way, they communicate reasonably well, they care about each other, and they have been mostly monogamous for 1-7 years. They may have had their rough patches, but they’ve stuck together. And now, for whatever reason, the whole affair is drawing to a close. Maybe the two are moving apart literally, maybe figuratively. But things are going southerly quickly, and are, sadly, going to end…in a southern place. But don’t worry. THESE TWO WILL BE JUST FINE… EVENTUALLY. And the South is very nice this time of year.
(facetious disclaimer: “in no way am I writing from experience here”)
This brings us to…
Stage One of the LTR MOURNING PROCESS. Stage one is honestly the most confusing, painful and the most difficult to identify of all the phases. In fact, it’s rarely even apparent that you are going through this phase until well after it happens. It’s that period where you and your LTH (Long Term Honey) are just plain old not feeling it. Like, really not feeling it.
We’ll call this phase the PRE-BREAKUP period. Because, hey, you can’t mourn something that doesn’t die, right?
The PRE-BREAKUP period is marked by the distinct feeling that when you kiss your significant other, you are in fact kissing…not necessarily your sister, but maybe your really cute cousin. I’m in no way saying that relationships should ALWAYS have this insane spark to them. They absolutely shouldn’t. But there’s a distinct edge to the lack of spark that accompanies the PRE-BREAKUP kiss. Believe me, it’s like pornography. You’ll know it when you see it.
Also, in this phase the couple will stop having sex, and neither party in the relationship will miss it at all. Like, not even a little. Oddly, sex in this phase feels less, ahem, incestuous, than the kissing does, but when it does happen (about once a month), it will be coming from a place of intense boredom and casual horniness. Seriously, sex with a stranger is better than sex in the death throes of a LTR- at least with a stranger there’s a novelty factor and the thrill of courting STD’s.
On a non-physical, surface level, everything seems oddly FINE in this stage of the break up. This is mostly because everyone involved, including even the close friends of our no longer so happy couple, is just going through the motions. And this is why the next phase usually comes as such a surprise- no one is paying attention to these red flags. Perhaps there are more deep seated problems at play, perhaps not. In fact, the underlying reasons that our couple is falling apart are pretty immaterial at this point, though they will certainly mitigate just how explosive the next phase of breakup ends up being.
And that phase, SEX WITH ME buddies, will be discussed, by me, on Friday! This was another long one, but again, this is the heavy shit, so it’s worth discussing in depth. I promise you less preamble next time and more meat. Until then, thanks so much for reading SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that will tell you when it’s the end, beautiful friend. My friend, The End”
