REMOVAL

Partin’ Ways For Real: THE REMOVAL.

Hello gang, and welcome to this new Friday Edition of SEX WITH ME IS RAD. And guess what? I am STILL trying to stop the carnage by getting’ folks a-talkin’ ‘bout THE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS.

We’ve dealt with steps one through three, and all the passive aggression, the regular aggression, the denial and the frozen yogurt related discussions therein. And you might think that it’s all peaches and cream at this point. After all, didn’t I dub the last phase the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase? Well, I did. But, wait…

Take a closer look at that last phase. Aren’t those “quotation marks” hovering around the term “GOOD FRIENDS?” And, maybe, just maybe, do you detect the slightest subtle stench of desperation in those CAPITAL LETTERS THAT I HAVE BEEN USING???

Whew. Yeah, that’s not just cheap sex and stale beer you’re getting a whiff of right now…that is EAU DE DESPERATION. You see, as I mentioned in the previous entry, though our example couple has by now  seems to have ironed out the problems in their relationship, there’s one thing wrong here…

THE RELATIONSHIP IS STILL OVER. And I know, I know. These kids are still going out together, and uh, sometimes “staying in” together… BUT. Things between these guys have largely dissolved. Perhaps the most important thing to note with these guys is that they are no longer monogamous. And, by and large, the stability of this relationship is predicated on monogamy.  

Now, the way the couple handles this newfound non-monogamy depends on how secure each party is with the idea of their now EX-Long Term Honey entwining tongues and various other members with other people. Some people are simply more comfortable with the idea of their significant other (or ex-other) doing the sex with people who are not them than other people are. These people will likely experience more protracted periods of break-up/make-up/make out back and forthness, since they are not alienated by the idea of their partners being with other people per se.  

These more comfortable with non monogamy types are NOT immune, however, to the ultimate truth of the situation- which is that each party will, eventually, find someone else with whom they would like to be in a new relationship.

Which means cutting ties with the old partner, which means entering into the fourth phase of the LTRMP, hereafter to be referred to as “THE REMOVAL.”

This is the part of the breakup where the couple is not only broken up…they don’t see each other.

This is also the part of the breakup where past resentments, insecurities, feelings of neediness, rejection &c., really set in. In this regard, “THE REMOVAL” period can be more painful and protracted than “THE FIGHT” was.

At least with “THE FIGHT,” the two partners could address their negative feelings face to face. With “THE REMOVAL,” there is no such luxury- in fact, if one or both partners enter into NEW relationships, or move to different cities, or get restraining orders, there are usually active barriers between the parties involved in the OLD relationship.

At any rate, the WORST possible thing that either partner can do during this phase of the LTRMP is entertain the idea that the process of finding somebody new is somehow competitive. The fact of the matter is that it is 98.9 percent likely that both partners WILL, in fact, find somebody new eventually, and that regardless of who finds a new somebody first, the other somebody, no matter HOW QUICKLY they found their new somebody and HOW HAPPY they may be with said somebody, will STILL FEEL LIKE THE “LOSER.”

All of that said, it is not the responsibility of either partner to actually feel good for their ex. Far from it. In fact it is the denial of resentment that renders the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase so fragile and so temporary- it’s dishonest!

Resentment can be a healthy thing, however, if it is employed in a productive fashion.

For example, say you are, for whatever reason, REALLY bitter about the way your newly Ex’ed Ex treated you when he played Halo with his little brother- a minor irritation at the time, but, since the beginning of “THE REMOVAL” phase, this has become something of an obsession of yours.

Well. If you need to obsess about it, obsess about it. This irritated you for a reason, and identifying this will help define what you DON’T want out of future relationships.

Be aware, however, that this obsession will be painful, because it’s a burden you MUST BEAR PRIVATELY. Don’t voice it to friends, since most “friends” in this situation will nod and take “your side” no matter what, which is actually not helpful of them at all- it just encourages your feelings of resentment in a non constructive way because it creates that illusion of “me vs. him/her” that is the last thing you need when trying to deal with the pain of the LTRMP. Remember, the LTRMP is a lot of things, but it is not a competition.  REALLY.

And, WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOT TALK ABOUT THESE RESENTMENTS WITH POTENTIAL NEW ROMANTIC PARTNERS!!!!

I know it may feel like you are being forthcoming and honest and it seems cathartic or whatever. But, if you are airing these grievances without having dealt with them, you are setting yourself up for failure in future romantic endeavors. Sure, the new person might hear your complaint and be all like “Whoa! I had an ex who did the same thing and it drove me crazy!” or s/he might be all like “Whoa! I would never do that to you, clearly we are soul mates!” But the fact is you are not only being a big sourpuss negative Nelly- you are manipulating the fuck out of this poor person. This guy/gal doesn’t know the finer points of your past relationship, and if anything, s/he has a vested interest in taking your side in the matter, if for no other reason than to bolster his/her own innate sense of superiority to the “competition” i.e the person who loved/fucked you before s/he did. And again, that’s fostering an unhealthily competitive environment, which KILLS new relationships.

So, there you are…feeling alone, resentful, and, despite your best intentions and efforts, competitive as all get out. What do you do…?

Well, you stay tuned, because you, dear buddy, are reaching the home stretch of the LTRMP, about which I shall be typing over this fine Spring (?) weekend.

Until then, Thanks for reading and much love from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog that, much like Time, is ON YOUR SIDE!!!”