Listen, the Snow is Falling...

The Listening Game…

Hello and Merry Friday from the wee modest Hamlet located in the corner of the vasty plains of Internet Country commonly known as SEX WITH ME IS RAD!

As you probably know, I have just arrived home from a daunting trek across the human psyche as we explored the hills and dales of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS, hereafter to be referred to as the LTRMP. And when I embarked on that journey from the easternmost morass of stagnant monogamy to the shining sea of largely comfortable singletude, I knew that there would be “side quests” to engage in- you know, quirky masks to collect, cuckoos to chase around the barnyard, horse races, etc.

And, for the most part, I was right. I found that, as I worked on dissecting and delineating the various stages and pitfalls and semantic weirdness of the process, I had a lot to think about. But, by the same token, I didn’t find myself with this mile long list of sidebars and digressions that I thought I would wind up with.

So, I will address the only major question that came to me, both via the comments page and otherwise.

Essentially, that question pertains to the fine art of Listening. Well…

Listening is indeed a fine art, and a fine art that I hold near and dear. I would even go so far as to say that the degree to which I like any given person is positively correlated to their ability to listen.

Some people are natural listeners. Interestingly enough, in this compulsively chatty society, those people often have a hard time in life- they are, at best, labeled “introverts,” and at worst, they can come across as aloof and judgmental.

Likewise, a lot of people are inherently poor listeners- these are the people who talk too much, and only pause to create the illusion they are listening to others, while in fact they are simply waiting for their turn to talk. When people ask me how I feel about these types, (and I’m feeling diplomatic), I usually say “He was very interested in what he had to say,” or “That girl thinks very highly of herself.”

Obviously, since I value the ability to listen so highly, I tend to sympathize with the former group more than I do the latter. But I also think that both types need to interact, everyone has the capacity to become a better listener, and that this is something that comes through effort and practice.

Let’s say you are in a hypothetical fight in the middle of a hypothetical relationship-you’re not having “The Fight,” per se, but emotions are running pretty high.

And the more emotions come into play, the less inclined to listening either party involved in our little tiff is going to be. Yiiikes.

The biggest trick is to remain as level headed and objective as possible. And everyone has their own preferred methods of doing that. I find that a really good way of doing this is learning to recognize when you are yelling.

This is much, much harder than it seems. Most people are dangerously unaware of the tone of their own voice and how it affects other people. 

So- some time when you are talking at a normal volume with your normal inflection, just take a mental note. This is your baseline level of volume and emotionality, and anyone who knows you can likely confirm this for you.

Anything louder or more upset sounding qualifies as “upset” and anything less is “flat.”

Just being aware of this and keeping constant tabs on it should make the task of listening to that other person yelling at you considerably less difficult, if for no other reason than it focuses any excess energy you may have on maintaining your “cool” rather than expending it on yelling out a bunch of stuff you either don’t mean or you have already said a million times before…or something you don’t mean AND have said a million times before- because that’s the kind of thing that will guarantee you not being listened to by the other party. It’s not easy but it will become easier the more you practice it. Promise.

There are, of course, other variables to discuss, because, as per usual, THESE ARE COMPLEX MATTERS!!! But I think this particular exercise in self awareness is absolutely indispensable in acquiring the ability to listen to others.

So, Congratulations- You are well on your way to becoming a FINE ARTIST! Let me know if you need someone to write that grant for you…’cause I can do that, too, you know. At a price, of course…

But, while you hone your skills and check your bank account balance, I shall wish you, passionate, yet uncannily considerate, friend a fond sort of farewell from the hinterlands of the ‘Net, where dwellest ,I the mostly sage advice-giver of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- “The Love Blog that Loves You to Love it!”