CLOSURE...?

CLOSURE…?

yes. closure.

OK. Deep breath. Deep breath. I know. The past few weeks over at SEX WITH ME IS RAD have been more like SEX WITH ME WHILE CAMPING IS RAD. Which is to say-

“FUCKING IN TENTS.”

Ah cha cha. Anyway, I’ve done all I can over the past four entries to distill the essence of the end phases of the North American LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. And I feel totally one hundred percent OK about it, though I’ve obviously only scratched the surface of the surface of something that is as nuanced as a fine wine in a Truffaut film about a game of chess. Or something like that.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been reliving every breakup I’ve ever had for the past two weeks. Which has been gratifying… in the same way I imagine you weird Neti Pot people find shooting saline solution up into your sinuses three times a day to be gratifying.    

So, what I shall do today is review the bidding, speak briefly about the final phase of the process, take another deep breath, and bid you, dewy and doe eyed, a good night until Friday.

THE LTRMP IN SUMMATION:

STEP ONE- THE PRE-BREAKUP: Where the sex stops happening, the kisses get cousinly, and things seem oddly mechanical in general.

STEP TWO- THE FIGHT: Where stuff gets thrown, words get yelled and frozen yogurt becomes even more un-appetizing than it was before. This is ostensibly where it “ends,” or at least where the party line becomes “yeah, it’s officially OVER.”

STEP THREE- “GOOD FRIENDS:” Where things seem to have gone back to normal, often to the point where one wonders if our daring pair have actually truly called it quits…

STEP FOUR- REMOVAL: Where all parties are reminded that, yes, it is truly over. One or both ex partners finds someone new, everyone feels weird and resentful, and the two are truly separate physically and emotionally…

And… [one last pregnant pause here, just for effect]…And…

And I hear you asking out there in the wide world of the web (and beyond!) “What comes next, Alex?” And there’s this little edge in your voice that seems to indicate curiosity…supplication, even…or is that petulance? ARE YOU MOCKING ME???!

Oh wait. I don’t care either way, really. Or perhaps, I just care SO MUCH BOTH WAYS, that I effectively don’t care either way.

Either way. The last step of the LTRMP is called CLOSURE.

And its permutations are more complex and varied than those of any of its forbears. Really, the important thing with the CLOSURE phase is that it be civil, and appropriate.

You don’t need to be best friends with your exes- in fact, given the long and in many ways painful history you have with each other, it’s usually for the best that you aren’t. But, by the same token, you should be able to see this person in any manner of public setting, in any sort of company without feeling particularly compelled to:

A)     Hide.

B)      Throw a drink in their face, or their boyfriend/husband/first born child’s face.

C)      Go home and have inebriated, sublime, guilt soaked sex with them.

You should also feel inclined to smile, wave, and think: “Gee, I sure am (largely) glad that X seems to be doing reasonably well for him/herself.

And, if you have truly gone through the first four phases of the LTRMP and learned the lessons that it has to impart on you, this part will be easy. Sure, you’ll feel these twinges of sentimentality, but that’s normal, because, honestly. You don’t ever truly “get over” these things.

You just learn to take your lumps, learn your lessons and not to make the same mistake more than once.

Again. Deep breath. ‘Cause you  know what?

THAT’S IT…for now.

And with that, I bid you farewell from my little corner of the Web aka SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog that is just takin’ its time/just movin’ along…” towards Friday, that is, when we will discuss “Listening.” Yikes!