The "GOOD FRIENDS" phase.

THE LTRMP PART THREE: WHY WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS…YET.

OK, friends  out there on the World Wide Web… and, um…a happy “One Month Since Valentine’s Day Day to You! Welcome once again to the World Wide World of SEX WITH ME IS RAD.

In addition to it being “One Month Since Valentine’s Day Day,” it is also a Monday out there, which means it’s time to discuss perhaps the strangest and least often mentioned phase of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS…

…Oh…is that the sound of you saying something to me to the effect of “yeah, what is this phase called?” “And, furthermore, what is this phase ABOUT?”

Well, let me tell you, then-

The tempestuous winds of “The Fight” have passed us by. The worst is over. Pour yourself a margarita, salt the rim (if that’s your thing), and settle in for smooth sailing.

That’s right, it’s the “WE ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS” phase of the LTRMP. This one comes after the chairs and windows and puppies have been largely repaired or replaced, the tears have been largely dried, and the two of you have decided to “focus on the good” aspects of your now clearly moribund relationship. The two partners have by now “officially” broken up, and have told friends and family as much.

Of course, there’s a question being asked both in front of and behind the now happy ex-couple’s back which goes a little something like this: “Yeah, but…uh… is this permanent (this time)?”

Chances are that either member of the now (presumably) happy ex-couple will answer this question with a sigh and a “Yeah. I think it is… ”which, amusingly enough, is the exact same answer both parties gave last time this happened (and it likely has happened at least once before). However, since this pair is an object lesson, you reading folks out there know as well as I do that this party is over. Or, at least it will be eventually.

The fact is… the “GOOD FRIEND” phase is pretty indistinguishable from a relationship. The couple spends as much, if not more, time together as they did before. Honestly, they are probably still sleeping together, and the sex is better than ever before! The ONLY difference is that they aren’t calling what they’re doing “dating” anymore.

To this you may say “wuh, wuh, wuh…Waaiiiit. This seems weird, and dishonest, and… weird! And also, why are these people doing this? What is so wrong with these two that they can’t either:

A)     Admit that they are actually still in a relationship.

OR

B)      Take the steps to separate from each other, like, for Real?

Well , the answers to both of these questions are actually strikingly similar. Despite all appearances, A) these two are NOT, in fact, in a relationship any more, and B) they actually ARE taking steps to separate from each other, like, for Real.

All of this can be happening for a number of reasons. The first, most obvious one is that the couple is acting like a couple out of sheer force of habit, much the same way they did before in the “PRE-BREAK-Up” phase. You could also view the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase as an elaborate psychodrama, in which the partners are exorcising the “bad” elements of their relationship by going through this very self conscious performance in which they re-construct it using only the “good” elements.    

Either way, this stage of the LTRMP is actually devastatingly fragile, and practically speaking, I would argue that the only difference between what’s going on in the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase and what went on in the relationship itself is related to semantics. But in complex matters such as these, oh observer of the two theoretical human animals that appear to be as “happy together” as another group of human animals calling themselves “The Turtles” (who are a completely different animal whose LTRMP I freely admit to knowing NOTHING about) once sang about…well, semantics can be everything.

Few care to admit this in this distanced age of social networking, but just look at how people react to something as simple as changing one’s relationship status on Facebook. Seriously. Try it sometime- you will elicit responses from people- genuine, heartfelt ones that will make you feel genuinely, heartfeltingly bad for being such a manipulative dink to Aunt Esmerelda and that one guy from accounting you barely know. Shame on you! They felt SO bad that you are “now listed as ‘Single…’” and you…you lied to them! Why don’t you just update your status saying “X passed away last night in his/her sleep after suddenly contracting Amoebic Dysentery?” It’s pretty much the same thing…   

But you can redeem yourself by learning the following lesson:

As much as people these days like to pretend they are over all the constructs of love and romance that Christianity and Economic Necessity built for us for so many years, we are totally not. For the most part, (and obviously this is more true of some folks than it is of others) the phrase “I am dating X” will carry with it a certain degree of weight- it connotes monogamy and partnership, for starters, which are pretty weighty ideas in and of themselves. BUT…in addition to these connotations, saying “I am in a relationship with X” comes with a nasty little parenthetical connotation: It’s like saying “I am in a relationship with X….(INDEFINITELY).”

Because, despite the myriad evidence to the contrary, people have naturalized the idea and are still under the impression that the human animal mates for life! And that every “relationship” is, by extension, a “marriage waiting to happen!”  

Obviously, this is the third or fourth stupidest thing I have ever typed, even in a rhetorical context. BUT. This is a thing which people think, and by removing the “Couple” tag from their relationship, our two ex- partners have freed themselves of the implicit burden of things like “wedding bells,” “joint bank accounts” and “eternity.”

Unfortunately for them, they’ve also stepped away from being explicitly “monogamous” with one another, and…

Remember how I just described the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase of the LTRMP as “Devastatingly Fragile?”

Well, it’s this ‘”step away” from monogamy that will ultimately catalyze the next phase of the process.

Which, obviously, I will be discussing on FRIDAY!

So, until then, It’s another goodbye from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Bloooooog that will Alllllwayyyyys… Looooove….. Youuuuuuuu!”