Distance

Hello and a most April-ly and Foolish April Fool’s Day to all of you Hot Hot Big Hot Big SEX WITH ME IS RAD girls and boys!

Can I tell you how tempted I was to write some sort of stupid “April Fool’s” type column?

Well, I was absolutely a little bit tempted. But then I thought, “Hey, there are so many gosh darned jokes in your average bi-weekly installation of this damn fool blog…why make it any jokier? That would be like putting a comical sweater on an adorable kitten!”

And, more importantly, SEXTOWN, USA is a real place, inasmuch as a blog can be a “real” place…and we here in SEXTOWN are for real. We talk about REAL SHIT. SHIT THAT MATTERS. And, also, I would hate to give you all some false advice. That would be lying. And kind of mean. And mean lying is totally not OK, dude.

So, what I shall give you is another multi part entry. This one is about DISTANCE, and what it does to a relationship. Like, physical, geographical, distance- not emotional distance, aka ALOOFNESS…that is a totally different topic, although I suppose the two are hardly mutually exclusive. 

The obvious thing to say about geographical distance is that it very often keeps people apart. And, being something that keeps people apart, distance is very often the reason that love-type relationships end. And the problem with GEODISTANCE as a catalyst for the ending of relationships is that it makes the whole process of breaking up seem a lot easier than it is.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that the couple who has to break up because one or both parties is “headed to Box Elder, MO” is actually in many ways worse off than the couple that goes down in flames over Lothario McPoolBoy or just kind of fizzles out.

If the couple is actually “in love,” that is. If it’s a reasonably casual relationship, then the prospect of “geodistance” can function as a “get out of jail free” card. However, that is even more rarely the case than we all might care to believe. So, where does that leave us?

Well, it leaves us right back with our nice little archetypal couple. Remember them? White, good natured, kinda inty-lectually inclined, nurturing a nice little white, good natured intellectual-ish relationship that is so CLEARLY DOOMED? Yeah? Good.

Well, let’s say that one of the parties is going to grad school. Why? Uh, well, ‘cause that’s what people do these days when they realize just how paint peelingly, toe curlingly, ass chafingly empty their lives are and they’ve already watched “Lost” AND “Dexter” all the way through on DVD a couple times.

Our leaving party is going to grad school  somewhere in. And the staying party is getting ready to finally sit down and commit to “The Wire.”

Well, the first problem here, and this seems to often be the case, is the apparent disparity in the trajectories our respective partners lives are taking. The first thing the couple is going to “talk” about is how their lives are “going in different directions” emotionally and professionally as well as geographically.

I would like to interject here and say that our couple should earnestly and thoroughly address the possibility that this line of thinking is total bullshit.  

For starters, closer examination of this situation reveals, not only that graduate school is almost as much of an exercise in cash hemorrhaging futility as starting up a dot-com lesbian puppy delivery service in the Bay Area in the summer of 2000, but that respected television critics and stoned frat boys alike have nothing but very good things to say about “The Wire.”

Also, they are so completely looking down their collective nose at you for not having watched it yet. 

More importantly, however, there is the fact that, to a certain extent, True Love has the ability to transcend several obstacles. TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.

The trick, then, for our friends here, is to figure out what that “certain extent” is.

And this is quite the trick. It’s going to take a lot of talking, and even more of that “listening” stuff I yammer on about from time to time. More unpleasantly still- as much as what I just proposed might sound to you like a very “romantic” notion, these discussions are actually going to have to be way more about logistics than they are about sexy, tear jerky, chair throw-y,  abstract-y things like “feelings.”

So, our friends have some thinkin’ to do. And they have multiple options…

Hence, a “multiple part” entry, the next part of which I will present to you on Monday, hopefully in a timely sort of fashion.

Until then, all the best from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog That May or May Not be Leavin’ On A Jetplane-It Hasn’t Decided Yet.”

And don’t believe everything you read on the Internet today. Particularly from that “Onion” website all you kids seem to rely on for your news. I always suspected those fellas weren’t exactly “on the level” (read: I think they are Pinkos).