WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING (LOVE)

Oh hello there, and welcome to another little installment of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- the love advice blog that doesn’t advise about love so much as it rants, raves and circumlocutes in regards to things that have to do with relationships in general. Because, honestly- advice is for the kind of suckers who go through life thinking it’s like, gonna make sense  or something. Pffft.

We dear friends, are a different breed of suckers. We are the kind of sucker who knows that, for better or worse , life is little more than  a series of events with a loosely causal relationship to one another. And  that these events are rarely all good or all bad, though we are often tempted to categorize them as one or the other. And this inclination to wonder “what do all of these loosely causally related events like, mean???” is the reason we’re all here right now a-frettin’ and a-worryin’ about our various stuff and things.

And what, you might ask, are these “stuffs” and “things” that we’re worrying about, as we sit here, on our respective computering devices, in our respective coffee-shops, bedrooms, public libraries and wi-fi enabled brothels? 

Well, let me tell you. The “thing” of the day is “EXPECTATION.”

And yes, this is a little abstract, I know. And that’s actually part of the point. Today, we’ll be discussing “expectation” vis a vis romantic relationships (mostly). And we’ll be doing this because expectation is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest stumbling blocks that stands between you, oh undeniably but (yet unassumingly) sexy reader, and finding the closest thing to TRU LUV™ in this silly little plane of reality that we all occasionally blow our noses on.

So- what exactly should one expect from a love relationship? And, perhaps more importantly- what SHOULDN’T one expect?

Well, at the risk of sounding like someone who defines things negatively, I’m going to fixate a bit today on what one SHOULD NOT expect from one’s romantic relationship. And I’m going to lead with a big one here, and I’m going to trust you guys to bear with me…

YOU SHOULD NOT EXPECT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP TO BE “SATISFYING.” PERIOD.

Yeah. Perish the thought.

“Satisfaction” is little more than one of many undeniably classic, if heinously overplayed, songs that Keith Richards’ heroin addiction happened to channel into being for the benefit of sentimental dads, Record Label executives and bemused Super Bowl audiences everywhere (NB- these three markets are FAR from being mutually exclusive).   

There’s a reason why people make fun of that monologue from Jerry McGuire where he goes on and on about how whatsherface “completing him.” It’s a fanciful, trite sentiment that is completely counterproductive to anything that might possible resemble an actual, functional loving relationship. (Furthermore, inside sources say that it was having to bring this unfortunate swathe of particularly purple screenwriting to life that drove Tom Cruise finally and ineffably into the belly of SCIENTOLOGY. And the last thing I want for any of you lovely people is to see you become Scientologists.)

“Satisfaction,” is, at best, a momentary pleasure. And it’s a privilege, not a right. It’s a side benefit of working at your relationship with someone whose skill set COMPLEMENTS YOURS. And this is something I will absolutely get into the nitty gritty of in a future so near, it won’t even involve flying cars. I promise.

Til’ then- a very merry “ try and stay Zen through the impending cold and dark and loneliness that is the Holiday season” to you from “SEX WITH ME IS RAD: The love blog that tries. Oh it tries. It tries and tries and tries.”   

        

HOW TO OFFICIATE A WEDDING (SORTA)

Hello, Hello, and Hello Again, all of you out there in the land of the internet. As promised, here is the much delayed, much anticipated breakdown of my very first and (possibly) only experience as a MASTER OF CEREMONIES at a wedding!

When I last checked in with you, I was a little on the sweaty side- and granted, while most of this sweat came from various tasks of manual labor that I was completing in the semi-wilderness, coupled with the heat and humidity from the early August air, much of that sweat also came as a result of having to write wedding vows for two people who are decidedly NOT ME.

Well, Summer came and went and the literal sweat has dried, only to be replaced by that weird sweat that is caused by trying to write screenplays and walking around in the cold with one too many layers on. But I’ve said too much. You’re here because you may still be wondering about how the hell my little sister’s wedding went.

And the answer, in both the literal and figurative sense, is…SWIMMINGLY. I knocked out the vows in the final two days before the wedding, and submitted them to the appropriate parties, who largely approved. I think my initial draft was a little on the heavy handed side- I talked a lot about the obligations that come with marriage, which is something I wholeheartedly believe in with a solid 98 percent of my little heart.

However, the conclusion was reached that too much talk of commitment and obligation is, like, somewhat of a boner killer at a nice airy summer wedding. And ultimately, I agreed with that. But the vows and address that I came up with remained largely intact.

And it’s here that I’d like to tell you a bit about how all-fired nervous I was:

I was more nervous than I’ve ever been. When I say I’m somewhat of a performer, I mean just that- I’m somewhat of a performer. Having people’s eyes on me has a tendency to bring out a side of my personality that doesn’t necessarily rear its hammy head in other situations. I get kinda eloquent and adopt this weird gravitas that has led several people to suggest I pursue a career as a minister.

I also get extremely itchy, particularly before and after the actual performance is performed. In practice, I like being onstage. I’m comfortable there. In theory, I hate it like it’s my awkward co-worker who invites himself out to the bar and talks really weird and drinks one too many Cabo Wabos.

This is where I thank my lucky stars for the real official of the wedding, my uncle, who is the kind of guy who is comfortable with everything in such a way that makes looking comfortable look easy.

The first mistake I made was trying to memorize the remarks I’d only completed less than a day beforehand. This added greatly to my sense of self-consciousness, because the more I read the words I’d written, the more they sounded inorganic and overthought. And of course this led to me trying to edit the words I’d written and was trying to memorize as I was trying to memorize them. So, basically, I had eighteen working drafts of my speech bumping around in my head all at once, right up until the time I was standing in front of everybody. So, with everyone sitting there, waiting for the pleasant violin introit to end and my (hopefully) profound, yet still pleasant, benediction-y thing to begin, I had to basically choose exactly which words I was gonna say. And the words came out fine, though I must say I stumbled enough so that rather a few people commented on the fact that “I seemed nervous” after the event. But I held it together, and like I said, good old rookie Justice of the Peace Uncle Sam (yes, his name is Sam) came through with some genius off the cuff asides that, among other things, compared the wedding to that of Prince William and Kate Middleton- quips which were both very timely and deftly satirical of the kind of New England aw-shucks self-importance that seems to be deeply bred into us.

So, all in all, things went well. I also got to play emcee at the reception. This was easier, thanks in no small part to the presence of beer- I just grabbed the mic and tried to speak as loudly and clearly as I could. My toast was much better than my benediction, honestly. I just spoke about how, in a world where one can’t choose one’s family and where one certainly can’t choose one’s in-laws, I felt intensely lucky to have both a little sister and a brother in law who I would absolutely be honored to choose to be my very good friends.

After that, there was a lot of very successful dancing. The dancing was so successful, in fact, that my dad even partook. Everyone seemed to leave with an overall sense that it was a very high quality sort of wedding. My sister maintains, with absolute and unwavering confidence that it was, in fact, “easily the best fucking wedding ever.”

And on the one hand, you might say she’s biased. But on the other, it was her wedding, which means that she’s the only one who really ought to feel that way, so having her feel like she had “the best fucking wedding ever” is the only real litmus for how much of a success the whole party really was.

Whew. So, there you have it. It only took me four plus months to get this out there, but I feel like it was pretty worth it. In the meantime, I am working on some new blog related thoughts that might someday come to you via this here World Wide Internet. Until then, I’m Alexander Merrill, signing off from the land of “Sex with Me Is Rad,” the blog that likes to hit you with its best shot… even if that best shot is sometimes several months in the making!

             

Sometimes, people get married...here's what I tell them to say...

Hello hello, and I believe that a big wet "Welcome back to me!" is in order (from you). What's on my dirty little mind these days, you may ask? Well… tennis, mostly. Tennis and maybe some heartache and some work and...what's that? Oh just a few WEDDING BELLS.
To be fair, they're not literal ones. And they're not mine.

No, no, I fear that I can only hope to end up a slightly less open shirted, perhaps less bouffant sporting, straighter (ish) blogosphere equivalent to mister Stephen Morrissey. Any requests of marriage will likely be humbly deflected- "Thank you, but no. I will live my life, as I/ will undoubtedly die...Aloooone....[on the internet].”

So, anyway- it's my little sister- who happens to be a solid three inches BIGGER than me (that's vertically, not horizontally, ah cha cha!)- who's doing the marryin'.

But get this- Who should be the one to write the vows? OH THAT'S RIGHT- IT IS ME. YOUR OCASSIONALLY HUMBLE NARRATOR. Those vow writing-monopoly having Washington fat cats are shaking in their diamond studded kleenex box booties, to be sure. There's a new vow writing cat in town... and he's been described by sevveral parties as "downright Svelte."

It's a simple ceremony, officiated by my uncle, who also happens to be a lawyer. It's taking place at a private residence- our family's lake house, and the catering is all very simple. So logistically, things have been relatively easy- though my mother and sister and brother in law of the future might say otherwise...they’re the ones doing the literal heavy lifting. My only job is to WRITE THE DAMN WORDS THAT WILL MAKE THE WEDDING HAPPEN.

So how did I do this? Well, for starters, I asked my sister what she wanted me to say. And that helped. The good thing about it is that she has a very down to Earth, realist view of marriage- to her, marriage is a contract, a continuation of a relationship that has been up and running for almost two years now. The trick is synthesizing all of these ideas into something simple, concise, and palatable for a mixed audience. We’re dispensing of almost all of the traditional trappings of a wedding ceremony- something that I think a lot more people do now than ever before. It almost goes without saying that no big “G words” will be dropped at any point during the vows, benediction or [hopefully, barring the appearance of that weird aunt and uncle that I have yet to meet or know of] the reception.

 
Yet, without the capital “G,” and without the big, neon purple declarations of love, or like, Jell-O bungee jumping, what does the humble wedding copywriter have to work with, besides this dry, pragmatic assessment, which (small “g” gawd help us) is the naked truth of the situation?  
 
Well, I’m two drafts in, and the Wedding is Saturday. I’ll let you know how it goes. Until then, I bid you a fond farewell from the land of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- where it’s [hopefully going to be] a nice day for a white wedding…[come Saturday]”     

Movin' on out.

Finally. More About Getting the Heck Outta Dodge, and How it May Affect Your Relationship.

Alrighty, folks. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Reports of my extended absence…less so. But never you mind about that. The fact is- SEX WITH ME IS RAD is BACK. And it should be more or less back on schedule.   

When last we spoke, we digressed a bit, talkin’ ‘bout CAUSAL SEX, as opposed to “Casual Sex,” and I must say it was a discussion worth discussing. And it is a discussion that warrants further discussing indeed.

But, we’re back in the realms of the heart, rather than the realms of the crotch, where anything and everything can, and will, happen.

As you may or may not remember, we are back in the company of our two archetypal lovers, who are now dealing with the reality that the land of GRAD SCHOOL beckons- and the land of GRAD SCHOOL is far, far away from the land in which the relationship has existed thus far. It’s a confusing, heartwrenching crossroads for our friends to be at, to be sure.

And what exactly is at this crossroads, besides perhaps the Devil and Bizzy Bone and Robert Johnson and maybe Bobby Frost and a million two bit high school commencement speakers arguing about which road is in fact “less travelled?”

(Hint: it’s usually the one on the left)

At this crossroads, there are mostly a lot of logistical questions. Obviously, first and foremost, the couple will need to figure out exactly how much they like each other and how well they function as a couple-y unit/team-y thing. Ostensibly, a couple that has been together longer and has lived together is far more likely to pick up and move together. The patterns of co-habitation have already been established and will be actually be much harder to break than they will be to simply pick up and move to another location. A couple that isn’t living together will be more likely to split in this situation, unless they happen to be REALLY ready to “take the next step” in their relationship, simply because if both parties move together, then, shit, they’re suddenly LIVING together- if they move separately, that’s twice as much apartment finding, and ultimately, moving, that needs to be done.

The second major set of questions relates to work and to the social environment our potential re-locators will be facing. In this situation, party A, the one going to grad school, is at a distinct advantage over party B. More so than the world of actual work, academia, obviously, is a pretty hermetically sealed environment- it’s a lifestyle. So, Party A, our resident egghead, is moving to his or her new town with a social network, workplace, and possibly even a living situation ready and waiting for him/her. Party B may be moving to this new place empty handed. This disadvantage can be offset if Party B is an innately social, outgoing creature, or if Party B has already found a job and/or has friends in the city the couple is moving to.

If B is a wallflower and a homebody, I strongly recommend against the couple uprooting and moving together. In this case, the two parties will simply become unnecessarily co-dependent and will likely resent each other, unless B is truly content and happy in her solitude, something I believe can only come with age and experience- so younger couples (read: anyone under 30) should be especially wary of this particular caveat.        

And of course, if the relationship as a whole isn’t healthy, or simply isn’t suited for the new environment that the pair is moving to, it’s best to bite the bullet and take steps towards breaking up. Heck, the two parties can use the big move as an excuse to extricate themselves from the whole crappy affair!     

If our couple should choose to BREAK UP, they will become subject to the Long Term Relationship Mourning Process, which I seem to remember describing in detail at some point in the increasing long, dark history of this here blog.

The only major kink that distance throws into the LTRMP is that it, in some way removes, or at least greatly modifies, the second stage of the process, which is THE FIGHT.

If distance is the ONLY reason our couple is calling it quits, then THE FIGHT will be less a “fight” than it is a teary, extended discussion.

But, seriously. What kind of honest to goodness pair of real human animal creatures would have such a simple relationship that they could break up after a significant period of time for only one simple little reason…regardless of how much debt one may incur as a result of that simple little reason?

IT’S A FACT: Breakups are never as “clean” as they ought to be. So, what can our couple expect if they choose to break up in the face of impending theses, long term separation and the heavy handed eroticism of the latest bodice ripping “adult fantasy” series appearing on the television set?

Essentially, what they can expect is a mild, yet protracted, period of second guessing- questions like “did we do the ‘right’ thing?” and “did I just completely waste those X number of years of my life with that jerk?” will likely arise during this period. The only advice I can give here is: try to think of these things during the day, while you are nice and sober and not near a telephone or implement of text messaging.

Trust me on that one.        

So, there we have it. My first set of words in a couple of weeks. I think that, for the time being, I’ll just be doing the blog every Monday, rather than both Monday and Friday, though I’m sure that will all change as well. Next time, we’ll talk about what happens when our happy couple opts to stay together in the face of impending higher education…a risky option if ever there was one, but not one without its merits.

But until that time, I wish you a fond farewell from SEX WITH ME IS RAD “The Love Blog that simply Can’t Live [With Or] Without You.”   

   

  

BLUE MONDAY:CAUSAL SEX

BLUE MONDAY:  CAUSAL SEX.

Hey, all you kids out there in the land of SEX WITH ME IS RAD. What is UP? Like, a lot? A little? A moderate amount? Good to hear.

Anyway, remember last week, when we started talking about how to deal with the prospect of one member of a couple leaving town? Good, because we are totally going to continue talking about that. On Friday, that is. Today, however, is Monday, and I want to try keeping things Blue. This is partially because my mind is currently, as they say, “In the gutter,” and partially because I thought of a really neat phrase to coin, and, if you know me, you know that I FUCKING LOVE coining phrases. It doesn’t even matter if they get used by others. I just like, you know, coming up with names for things…

Manufacturers of future SEX WITH ME IS RAD related talking dolls, I hope you are taking detailed notes. (Bonus points if you are using a Newton… )

At any rate, I am finding more and more that SWMIR is not your typical sexual advisement column, in that, I don’t really find myself fielding direct questions from people so much as I find myself, well, talking to friends and colleagues and identifying patterns in the concerns that they raise with me. If you are interested in fancier talk, you can even refer to these patterns as “motifs” as you will- and I must say I will like it if you will, because I often like to think of things in terms of aesthetics, and calling the patterns that evolve in my friends’ assorted neuroses “motifs” casts me in the role of “emotional aesthetician,” which is way more dignified sounding than plain old “sex talk dude.”

And one thing I’ve been noticing recently is that people are kind of lousy at Casual Sex. It’s not that they can’t do it- it’s more that the practice of so called “Casual Sex” seems to have this way of blowing up in people’s faces.

As is the case with many things, this is all the fault of the damn hippies. Sure, moralists, mostly of the religious sort, have plenty of blame to shoulder in this particular regard, but few people take them seriously in this age of post post post Madonnaness and Snooki Whatsherface-itude and the Trojan Man, and let’s be honest here- the few that do are well beyond the reach of this here blog…for the time being…

(insert ominous laughter here.)

So, yeah, the hippies introduced this idea of “FREE LOVE,” and it got them laid and made them all a ton of money, and now we’re stuck with it. I mean, it started out as “free love,” then it evolved to “casual sex (read “free love plus cocaine),” and now it’s so deeply normalized that it doesn’t even really have a name. It’s like the sexual revolution was televised and now it’s in syndication and on Hulu and in awkwardly truncated segments on YourTube and no one even thinks about it anymore, except maybe the aforementioned religious types and your perhaps even more overzealous guidance counselor who’s doing that thing with the banana that you really don’t want to look at ever.

And, the thing is, we should be thinking about it. Because people seem to still be fucking each other in various fashions, and people definitely still get feelings and diseases and babies and such as a result, so there we have it.

Sex has, will, and will continue to happen.

Hence, the brilliant title of this brilliant installment of this brilliant blog. No, it wasn’t a typo, dude- it was  an… intentional thing! A coinage if you will.

I propose “CAUSAL  SEX” as the new, more responsible, alternative to old fashioned CASUAL SEX.

Havers of CAUSAL SEX embrace their sexuality, while cultivating a less cavalier attitude in regards to the potential repercussions of sexual activity, and also while refraining from being all sanctimonious and doing silly crap like wearing promise rings and putting it in their girlfriends’ bee-hinds because they think that God hasn’t closed that particular loophole already.

CAUSAL SEXERS are aware of these potential “repercussions,” not simply in the medical sense- but also in the emotional sense.

Honestly, in this day and age, “safer” sex (a term which I nominate for “stupidest term ever,” btw), should almost be a given, (note the italics on the word almost) but few people give much thought to the emotional repercussions of sex outside of a lasting, monogamous relationship.

To whit- sex is a great little pastime, but sexual freedom, much like regular freedom according to that bumper sticker I saw on that guy’s truck that one time, “is not free.”

Part of the reason for this is the act of sex is so inextricably connected with the feeling of love. Say what you will about enculturation and practiced morality or whatever- sex and love are linked , deep down in our unconscious minds. There’s a reason why people often refer to sex as “lovemaking…” and it’s not simply part of a carefully orchestrated global conspiracy to make me throw up in my mouth.

It’s because, for a myriad of reasons, over the years, humans developed an emotional response to sex. And this response can be either pleasurable or painful, or both- or first one, then the other. It’s not so crazy of a notion- if you think about it, we have emotional responses to everything we do, be it drunken bathroom fellatio, “courtesy” telephone calls, or miniature golf. IT’S A FACT.

So, those of us who choose to have CAUSAL sex keep these things in mind. In the Future, I shall discuss this principle in less armchair sociological and more armchair concrete terms. Hell, I might even do that next Monday…

But until then, expect more about the problem of LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS on Friday here at SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Sex Blog That Sometimes Actually Sorta Gets Around to Talking ‘Bout Sex…Baby”

            

Distance

Hello and a most April-ly and Foolish April Fool’s Day to all of you Hot Hot Big Hot Big SEX WITH ME IS RAD girls and boys!

Can I tell you how tempted I was to write some sort of stupid “April Fool’s” type column?

Well, I was absolutely a little bit tempted. But then I thought, “Hey, there are so many gosh darned jokes in your average bi-weekly installation of this damn fool blog…why make it any jokier? That would be like putting a comical sweater on an adorable kitten!”

And, more importantly, SEXTOWN, USA is a real place, inasmuch as a blog can be a “real” place…and we here in SEXTOWN are for real. We talk about REAL SHIT. SHIT THAT MATTERS. And, also, I would hate to give you all some false advice. That would be lying. And kind of mean. And mean lying is totally not OK, dude.

So, what I shall give you is another multi part entry. This one is about DISTANCE, and what it does to a relationship. Like, physical, geographical, distance- not emotional distance, aka ALOOFNESS…that is a totally different topic, although I suppose the two are hardly mutually exclusive. 

The obvious thing to say about geographical distance is that it very often keeps people apart. And, being something that keeps people apart, distance is very often the reason that love-type relationships end. And the problem with GEODISTANCE as a catalyst for the ending of relationships is that it makes the whole process of breaking up seem a lot easier than it is.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that the couple who has to break up because one or both parties is “headed to Box Elder, MO” is actually in many ways worse off than the couple that goes down in flames over Lothario McPoolBoy or just kind of fizzles out.

If the couple is actually “in love,” that is. If it’s a reasonably casual relationship, then the prospect of “geodistance” can function as a “get out of jail free” card. However, that is even more rarely the case than we all might care to believe. So, where does that leave us?

Well, it leaves us right back with our nice little archetypal couple. Remember them? White, good natured, kinda inty-lectually inclined, nurturing a nice little white, good natured intellectual-ish relationship that is so CLEARLY DOOMED? Yeah? Good.

Well, let’s say that one of the parties is going to grad school. Why? Uh, well, ‘cause that’s what people do these days when they realize just how paint peelingly, toe curlingly, ass chafingly empty their lives are and they’ve already watched “Lost” AND “Dexter” all the way through on DVD a couple times.

Our leaving party is going to grad school  somewhere in. And the staying party is getting ready to finally sit down and commit to “The Wire.”

Well, the first problem here, and this seems to often be the case, is the apparent disparity in the trajectories our respective partners lives are taking. The first thing the couple is going to “talk” about is how their lives are “going in different directions” emotionally and professionally as well as geographically.

I would like to interject here and say that our couple should earnestly and thoroughly address the possibility that this line of thinking is total bullshit.  

For starters, closer examination of this situation reveals, not only that graduate school is almost as much of an exercise in cash hemorrhaging futility as starting up a dot-com lesbian puppy delivery service in the Bay Area in the summer of 2000, but that respected television critics and stoned frat boys alike have nothing but very good things to say about “The Wire.”

Also, they are so completely looking down their collective nose at you for not having watched it yet. 

More importantly, however, there is the fact that, to a certain extent, True Love has the ability to transcend several obstacles. TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.

The trick, then, for our friends here, is to figure out what that “certain extent” is.

And this is quite the trick. It’s going to take a lot of talking, and even more of that “listening” stuff I yammer on about from time to time. More unpleasantly still- as much as what I just proposed might sound to you like a very “romantic” notion, these discussions are actually going to have to be way more about logistics than they are about sexy, tear jerky, chair throw-y,  abstract-y things like “feelings.”

So, our friends have some thinkin’ to do. And they have multiple options…

Hence, a “multiple part” entry, the next part of which I will present to you on Monday, hopefully in a timely sort of fashion.

Until then, all the best from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog That May or May Not be Leavin’ On A Jetplane-It Hasn’t Decided Yet.”

And don’t believe everything you read on the Internet today. Particularly from that “Onion” website all you kids seem to rely on for your news. I always suspected those fellas weren’t exactly “on the level” (read: I think they are Pinkos).
 

      

 

BLUE MONDAY, Part Two.

BLUE MONDAY #2: Back to the Dirty Stuff.

Why, hello there, web voyager. I see your voyages on the Web have led you (again?) to SEX WITH ME IS RAD. Well, this is just great! I hope you brought your adult pants today, because it is, once again- BLUE MONDAY, where we talk about the seamy seamy underbelly of the human psyche.

Today’s topic : Trends in Modern Pornography. Or, more accurately, perceived trends.

Perceived trends? Yes. These are perceived trends we are talking about, because if I were to talk about, like, things that are, like, empirically measurable; then I’d be, like, a journalist or a statistician or summat, and believe me…you wouldn’t like me when I’m “journalistic,” or “statistical…” much less would you cultivate that passing interest in making out with me that I so dearly wish for you to cultivate…

Oh…did I type that aloud…? 

So, the question today is essentially: what’s with the sudden ubiquity of violence in today’s porno? Biting, spanking, pulling hair, BDSM &c seems to be all over the free sites these days…and…do people get off to that stuff?

OK. Well, the easy way to address this one is to get all Jungian- just look at the news today- more strife, revolution, tsunamis, labor unrest and crappier than usual politicians than you can shake a Kindle at. IT’S CHAOS! The collective unconscious is stressing and straining and doing hot yoga like it’s auditioning for some kinda spiritual P90X instructional video. Everyone is ill at ease… and with good reason. So, it follows that all of this tension filters into the bedroom, ball gag and restraints in hand.

Let’s hope it has a good safe word- Three of my favorites are “Pineapple,” “Lufthansa,” and “Paul LePage.”

Boy, did I I ever just make that joke. I made that joke, I did.  

But although I think this answer holds some water, it seems a little bit simplistic and somehow too melodramatic to tell the whole story here. I’m more inclined to explain this perceived phenomenon in terms of law of averages.

I’ve heard the aforementioned statistically minded, non-interesting to think about making out with types of the world say that the amount of information available in this “information age” can be calculated to be somewhere between “an assload” and “a SUPER ASSLOAD.”

IT’S A FACT.

And since people are essentially a slobbering mass of damn dirty pervbots, it follows that about two thirds of this SUPER ASSLOAD will be sexual in nature. 

And the greater the demand for sexual web content becomes, the more, ahem, diverse the market will become. Hence, more of the rough stuff than ever before.

BOO YEAH.

Oh, who has two thumbs and just combined armchair psychoanalysis with armchair economics? THIS GUY!

Because maybe it is all that simple. Heck, just give me a perm and call me “The Malcolm Gladwell of Sexual Advisement.”

So, cheers, dear reader of SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The blog that is every bit as much into having sex as it is into making love…” and may I take this opportunity to say that all of that device bondage you’ve been up lately to has left you with a most flattering rosy tone to your already mystifyingly youthful complexion? Seriously, you’ll never need to use rouge again!

  

         

Listen, the Snow is Falling...

The Listening Game…

Hello and Merry Friday from the wee modest Hamlet located in the corner of the vasty plains of Internet Country commonly known as SEX WITH ME IS RAD!

As you probably know, I have just arrived home from a daunting trek across the human psyche as we explored the hills and dales of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS, hereafter to be referred to as the LTRMP. And when I embarked on that journey from the easternmost morass of stagnant monogamy to the shining sea of largely comfortable singletude, I knew that there would be “side quests” to engage in- you know, quirky masks to collect, cuckoos to chase around the barnyard, horse races, etc.

And, for the most part, I was right. I found that, as I worked on dissecting and delineating the various stages and pitfalls and semantic weirdness of the process, I had a lot to think about. But, by the same token, I didn’t find myself with this mile long list of sidebars and digressions that I thought I would wind up with.

So, I will address the only major question that came to me, both via the comments page and otherwise.

Essentially, that question pertains to the fine art of Listening. Well…

Listening is indeed a fine art, and a fine art that I hold near and dear. I would even go so far as to say that the degree to which I like any given person is positively correlated to their ability to listen.

Some people are natural listeners. Interestingly enough, in this compulsively chatty society, those people often have a hard time in life- they are, at best, labeled “introverts,” and at worst, they can come across as aloof and judgmental.

Likewise, a lot of people are inherently poor listeners- these are the people who talk too much, and only pause to create the illusion they are listening to others, while in fact they are simply waiting for their turn to talk. When people ask me how I feel about these types, (and I’m feeling diplomatic), I usually say “He was very interested in what he had to say,” or “That girl thinks very highly of herself.”

Obviously, since I value the ability to listen so highly, I tend to sympathize with the former group more than I do the latter. But I also think that both types need to interact, everyone has the capacity to become a better listener, and that this is something that comes through effort and practice.

Let’s say you are in a hypothetical fight in the middle of a hypothetical relationship-you’re not having “The Fight,” per se, but emotions are running pretty high.

And the more emotions come into play, the less inclined to listening either party involved in our little tiff is going to be. Yiiikes.

The biggest trick is to remain as level headed and objective as possible. And everyone has their own preferred methods of doing that. I find that a really good way of doing this is learning to recognize when you are yelling.

This is much, much harder than it seems. Most people are dangerously unaware of the tone of their own voice and how it affects other people. 

So- some time when you are talking at a normal volume with your normal inflection, just take a mental note. This is your baseline level of volume and emotionality, and anyone who knows you can likely confirm this for you.

Anything louder or more upset sounding qualifies as “upset” and anything less is “flat.”

Just being aware of this and keeping constant tabs on it should make the task of listening to that other person yelling at you considerably less difficult, if for no other reason than it focuses any excess energy you may have on maintaining your “cool” rather than expending it on yelling out a bunch of stuff you either don’t mean or you have already said a million times before…or something you don’t mean AND have said a million times before- because that’s the kind of thing that will guarantee you not being listened to by the other party. It’s not easy but it will become easier the more you practice it. Promise.

There are, of course, other variables to discuss, because, as per usual, THESE ARE COMPLEX MATTERS!!! But I think this particular exercise in self awareness is absolutely indispensable in acquiring the ability to listen to others.

So, Congratulations- You are well on your way to becoming a FINE ARTIST! Let me know if you need someone to write that grant for you…’cause I can do that, too, you know. At a price, of course…

But, while you hone your skills and check your bank account balance, I shall wish you, passionate, yet uncannily considerate, friend a fond sort of farewell from the hinterlands of the ‘Net, where dwellest ,I the mostly sage advice-giver of SEX WITH ME IS RAD- “The Love Blog that Loves You to Love it!”       

        

     

CLOSURE...?

CLOSURE…?

yes. closure.

OK. Deep breath. Deep breath. I know. The past few weeks over at SEX WITH ME IS RAD have been more like SEX WITH ME WHILE CAMPING IS RAD. Which is to say-

“FUCKING IN TENTS.”

Ah cha cha. Anyway, I’ve done all I can over the past four entries to distill the essence of the end phases of the North American LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. And I feel totally one hundred percent OK about it, though I’ve obviously only scratched the surface of the surface of something that is as nuanced as a fine wine in a Truffaut film about a game of chess. Or something like that.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been reliving every breakup I’ve ever had for the past two weeks. Which has been gratifying… in the same way I imagine you weird Neti Pot people find shooting saline solution up into your sinuses three times a day to be gratifying.    

So, what I shall do today is review the bidding, speak briefly about the final phase of the process, take another deep breath, and bid you, dewy and doe eyed, a good night until Friday.

THE LTRMP IN SUMMATION:

STEP ONE- THE PRE-BREAKUP: Where the sex stops happening, the kisses get cousinly, and things seem oddly mechanical in general.

STEP TWO- THE FIGHT: Where stuff gets thrown, words get yelled and frozen yogurt becomes even more un-appetizing than it was before. This is ostensibly where it “ends,” or at least where the party line becomes “yeah, it’s officially OVER.”

STEP THREE- “GOOD FRIENDS:” Where things seem to have gone back to normal, often to the point where one wonders if our daring pair have actually truly called it quits…

STEP FOUR- REMOVAL: Where all parties are reminded that, yes, it is truly over. One or both ex partners finds someone new, everyone feels weird and resentful, and the two are truly separate physically and emotionally…

And… [one last pregnant pause here, just for effect]…And…

And I hear you asking out there in the wide world of the web (and beyond!) “What comes next, Alex?” And there’s this little edge in your voice that seems to indicate curiosity…supplication, even…or is that petulance? ARE YOU MOCKING ME???!

Oh wait. I don’t care either way, really. Or perhaps, I just care SO MUCH BOTH WAYS, that I effectively don’t care either way.

Either way. The last step of the LTRMP is called CLOSURE.

And its permutations are more complex and varied than those of any of its forbears. Really, the important thing with the CLOSURE phase is that it be civil, and appropriate.

You don’t need to be best friends with your exes- in fact, given the long and in many ways painful history you have with each other, it’s usually for the best that you aren’t. But, by the same token, you should be able to see this person in any manner of public setting, in any sort of company without feeling particularly compelled to:

A)     Hide.

B)      Throw a drink in their face, or their boyfriend/husband/first born child’s face.

C)      Go home and have inebriated, sublime, guilt soaked sex with them.

You should also feel inclined to smile, wave, and think: “Gee, I sure am (largely) glad that X seems to be doing reasonably well for him/herself.

And, if you have truly gone through the first four phases of the LTRMP and learned the lessons that it has to impart on you, this part will be easy. Sure, you’ll feel these twinges of sentimentality, but that’s normal, because, honestly. You don’t ever truly “get over” these things.

You just learn to take your lumps, learn your lessons and not to make the same mistake more than once.

Again. Deep breath. ‘Cause you  know what?

THAT’S IT…for now.

And with that, I bid you farewell from my little corner of the Web aka SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog that is just takin’ its time/just movin’ along…” towards Friday, that is, when we will discuss “Listening.” Yikes!

REMOVAL

Partin’ Ways For Real: THE REMOVAL.

Hello gang, and welcome to this new Friday Edition of SEX WITH ME IS RAD. And guess what? I am STILL trying to stop the carnage by getting’ folks a-talkin’ ‘bout THE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS.

We’ve dealt with steps one through three, and all the passive aggression, the regular aggression, the denial and the frozen yogurt related discussions therein. And you might think that it’s all peaches and cream at this point. After all, didn’t I dub the last phase the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase? Well, I did. But, wait…

Take a closer look at that last phase. Aren’t those “quotation marks” hovering around the term “GOOD FRIENDS?” And, maybe, just maybe, do you detect the slightest subtle stench of desperation in those CAPITAL LETTERS THAT I HAVE BEEN USING???

Whew. Yeah, that’s not just cheap sex and stale beer you’re getting a whiff of right now…that is EAU DE DESPERATION. You see, as I mentioned in the previous entry, though our example couple has by now  seems to have ironed out the problems in their relationship, there’s one thing wrong here…

THE RELATIONSHIP IS STILL OVER. And I know, I know. These kids are still going out together, and uh, sometimes “staying in” together… BUT. Things between these guys have largely dissolved. Perhaps the most important thing to note with these guys is that they are no longer monogamous. And, by and large, the stability of this relationship is predicated on monogamy.  

Now, the way the couple handles this newfound non-monogamy depends on how secure each party is with the idea of their now EX-Long Term Honey entwining tongues and various other members with other people. Some people are simply more comfortable with the idea of their significant other (or ex-other) doing the sex with people who are not them than other people are. These people will likely experience more protracted periods of break-up/make-up/make out back and forthness, since they are not alienated by the idea of their partners being with other people per se.  

These more comfortable with non monogamy types are NOT immune, however, to the ultimate truth of the situation- which is that each party will, eventually, find someone else with whom they would like to be in a new relationship.

Which means cutting ties with the old partner, which means entering into the fourth phase of the LTRMP, hereafter to be referred to as “THE REMOVAL.”

This is the part of the breakup where the couple is not only broken up…they don’t see each other.

This is also the part of the breakup where past resentments, insecurities, feelings of neediness, rejection &c., really set in. In this regard, “THE REMOVAL” period can be more painful and protracted than “THE FIGHT” was.

At least with “THE FIGHT,” the two partners could address their negative feelings face to face. With “THE REMOVAL,” there is no such luxury- in fact, if one or both partners enter into NEW relationships, or move to different cities, or get restraining orders, there are usually active barriers between the parties involved in the OLD relationship.

At any rate, the WORST possible thing that either partner can do during this phase of the LTRMP is entertain the idea that the process of finding somebody new is somehow competitive. The fact of the matter is that it is 98.9 percent likely that both partners WILL, in fact, find somebody new eventually, and that regardless of who finds a new somebody first, the other somebody, no matter HOW QUICKLY they found their new somebody and HOW HAPPY they may be with said somebody, will STILL FEEL LIKE THE “LOSER.”

All of that said, it is not the responsibility of either partner to actually feel good for their ex. Far from it. In fact it is the denial of resentment that renders the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase so fragile and so temporary- it’s dishonest!

Resentment can be a healthy thing, however, if it is employed in a productive fashion.

For example, say you are, for whatever reason, REALLY bitter about the way your newly Ex’ed Ex treated you when he played Halo with his little brother- a minor irritation at the time, but, since the beginning of “THE REMOVAL” phase, this has become something of an obsession of yours.

Well. If you need to obsess about it, obsess about it. This irritated you for a reason, and identifying this will help define what you DON’T want out of future relationships.

Be aware, however, that this obsession will be painful, because it’s a burden you MUST BEAR PRIVATELY. Don’t voice it to friends, since most “friends” in this situation will nod and take “your side” no matter what, which is actually not helpful of them at all- it just encourages your feelings of resentment in a non constructive way because it creates that illusion of “me vs. him/her” that is the last thing you need when trying to deal with the pain of the LTRMP. Remember, the LTRMP is a lot of things, but it is not a competition.  REALLY.

And, WHATEVER YOU DO…DO NOT TALK ABOUT THESE RESENTMENTS WITH POTENTIAL NEW ROMANTIC PARTNERS!!!!

I know it may feel like you are being forthcoming and honest and it seems cathartic or whatever. But, if you are airing these grievances without having dealt with them, you are setting yourself up for failure in future romantic endeavors. Sure, the new person might hear your complaint and be all like “Whoa! I had an ex who did the same thing and it drove me crazy!” or s/he might be all like “Whoa! I would never do that to you, clearly we are soul mates!” But the fact is you are not only being a big sourpuss negative Nelly- you are manipulating the fuck out of this poor person. This guy/gal doesn’t know the finer points of your past relationship, and if anything, s/he has a vested interest in taking your side in the matter, if for no other reason than to bolster his/her own innate sense of superiority to the “competition” i.e the person who loved/fucked you before s/he did. And again, that’s fostering an unhealthily competitive environment, which KILLS new relationships.

So, there you are…feeling alone, resentful, and, despite your best intentions and efforts, competitive as all get out. What do you do…?

Well, you stay tuned, because you, dear buddy, are reaching the home stretch of the LTRMP, about which I shall be typing over this fine Spring (?) weekend.

Until then, Thanks for reading and much love from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Love Blog that, much like Time, is ON YOUR SIDE!!!”          

    

     

    

      

The "GOOD FRIENDS" phase.

THE LTRMP PART THREE: WHY WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS…YET.

OK, friends  out there on the World Wide Web… and, um…a happy “One Month Since Valentine’s Day Day to You! Welcome once again to the World Wide World of SEX WITH ME IS RAD.

In addition to it being “One Month Since Valentine’s Day Day,” it is also a Monday out there, which means it’s time to discuss perhaps the strangest and least often mentioned phase of the LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MOURNING PROCESS…

…Oh…is that the sound of you saying something to me to the effect of “yeah, what is this phase called?” “And, furthermore, what is this phase ABOUT?”

Well, let me tell you, then-

The tempestuous winds of “The Fight” have passed us by. The worst is over. Pour yourself a margarita, salt the rim (if that’s your thing), and settle in for smooth sailing.

That’s right, it’s the “WE ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS” phase of the LTRMP. This one comes after the chairs and windows and puppies have been largely repaired or replaced, the tears have been largely dried, and the two of you have decided to “focus on the good” aspects of your now clearly moribund relationship. The two partners have by now “officially” broken up, and have told friends and family as much.

Of course, there’s a question being asked both in front of and behind the now happy ex-couple’s back which goes a little something like this: “Yeah, but…uh… is this permanent (this time)?”

Chances are that either member of the now (presumably) happy ex-couple will answer this question with a sigh and a “Yeah. I think it is… ”which, amusingly enough, is the exact same answer both parties gave last time this happened (and it likely has happened at least once before). However, since this pair is an object lesson, you reading folks out there know as well as I do that this party is over. Or, at least it will be eventually.

The fact is… the “GOOD FRIEND” phase is pretty indistinguishable from a relationship. The couple spends as much, if not more, time together as they did before. Honestly, they are probably still sleeping together, and the sex is better than ever before! The ONLY difference is that they aren’t calling what they’re doing “dating” anymore.

To this you may say “wuh, wuh, wuh…Waaiiiit. This seems weird, and dishonest, and… weird! And also, why are these people doing this? What is so wrong with these two that they can’t either:

A)     Admit that they are actually still in a relationship.

OR

B)      Take the steps to separate from each other, like, for Real?

Well , the answers to both of these questions are actually strikingly similar. Despite all appearances, A) these two are NOT, in fact, in a relationship any more, and B) they actually ARE taking steps to separate from each other, like, for Real.

All of this can be happening for a number of reasons. The first, most obvious one is that the couple is acting like a couple out of sheer force of habit, much the same way they did before in the “PRE-BREAK-Up” phase. You could also view the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase as an elaborate psychodrama, in which the partners are exorcising the “bad” elements of their relationship by going through this very self conscious performance in which they re-construct it using only the “good” elements.    

Either way, this stage of the LTRMP is actually devastatingly fragile, and practically speaking, I would argue that the only difference between what’s going on in the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase and what went on in the relationship itself is related to semantics. But in complex matters such as these, oh observer of the two theoretical human animals that appear to be as “happy together” as another group of human animals calling themselves “The Turtles” (who are a completely different animal whose LTRMP I freely admit to knowing NOTHING about) once sang about…well, semantics can be everything.

Few care to admit this in this distanced age of social networking, but just look at how people react to something as simple as changing one’s relationship status on Facebook. Seriously. Try it sometime- you will elicit responses from people- genuine, heartfelt ones that will make you feel genuinely, heartfeltingly bad for being such a manipulative dink to Aunt Esmerelda and that one guy from accounting you barely know. Shame on you! They felt SO bad that you are “now listed as ‘Single…’” and you…you lied to them! Why don’t you just update your status saying “X passed away last night in his/her sleep after suddenly contracting Amoebic Dysentery?” It’s pretty much the same thing…   

But you can redeem yourself by learning the following lesson:

As much as people these days like to pretend they are over all the constructs of love and romance that Christianity and Economic Necessity built for us for so many years, we are totally not. For the most part, (and obviously this is more true of some folks than it is of others) the phrase “I am dating X” will carry with it a certain degree of weight- it connotes monogamy and partnership, for starters, which are pretty weighty ideas in and of themselves. BUT…in addition to these connotations, saying “I am in a relationship with X” comes with a nasty little parenthetical connotation: It’s like saying “I am in a relationship with X….(INDEFINITELY).”

Because, despite the myriad evidence to the contrary, people have naturalized the idea and are still under the impression that the human animal mates for life! And that every “relationship” is, by extension, a “marriage waiting to happen!”  

Obviously, this is the third or fourth stupidest thing I have ever typed, even in a rhetorical context. BUT. This is a thing which people think, and by removing the “Couple” tag from their relationship, our two ex- partners have freed themselves of the implicit burden of things like “wedding bells,” “joint bank accounts” and “eternity.”

Unfortunately for them, they’ve also stepped away from being explicitly “monogamous” with one another, and…

Remember how I just described the “GOOD FRIENDS” phase of the LTRMP as “Devastatingly Fragile?”

Well, it’s this ‘”step away” from monogamy that will ultimately catalyze the next phase of the process.

Which, obviously, I will be discussing on FRIDAY!

So, until then, It’s another goodbye from SEX WITH ME IS RAD: “The Bloooooog that will Alllllwayyyyys… Looooove….. Youuuuuuuu!”